In which I find something to do in 2009 and wish everyone a Happy New Year.

Resolutions are one of my favorite annual traditions. Amidst an existential crisis, what better thing to take on than creating a list of things to do other than to farm and sleep? Everything beyond that is gravy, and since we live in a society where we are not all farmers, I must find something else to do. So. I may take on a vegetable garden this year. It will have to be in the front yard, mainly to avoid heavy Saint Bernard feet and certain habits of any one of my individual roaming large pet birds in my yard. My neighbors may not appreciate a big square plot of garden in my front yard, so I may instead get creative about changing the planted area of our front yard to include vegetables. I wish myself luck with that.

Next: knitting. I have a few items on my to do list there, including a pair of socks for my niece that involve the knitting of bobbles of different colors. Should be a challenge. I also want to re-knit a vest for myself (I'm always cold), finish two different socks I started in 2008 for Dave, and maybe a scarf or two. I'm a sucker for color, so I'm looking forward to knitting something with Noro yarns.

Woodblock printing: bravely accept the nonsensical aspect of it and make some prints despite the fact that woodblock printing is not practical, that although it is not practical it is still a tradition that can evoke something within a person making it worthy of something, something refreshingly not digital but with a very present human behind the baren, unlike some forms of printmaking and/or creative expression. Hmm. So the plan is to at least a) print the heron blocks I carved about two months ago and b) begin some prints that are simply not profound conceptually in any way. Friendly prints. Yes, that will be my series for 2009 - the Friendly prints.

Finally, I will try to accept the challenge of creating something for Saint Bernard Rescue Foundation. They need a piece of work for greeting cards. May fall under the newly formed Friendly Prints category

Those are my personal resolutions. I have parental resolutions and housekeeping resolutions as well, but those I am going to refrain from listing here.

Happy New Year!

penguins on a mission

It's been over a year since I last printed, so this was kind of a daring move to print my own Christmas cards. Well you see it was like this: I have a party I'm supposed to attend tomorrow night, although weather may postpone it. Said party will be attended by people I work with/for and I cannot afford to give everybody a Starbucks card, so in order to give a nice gift this translates to a handmade card and home made cookies. I carved the blocks several days ago, mixed up the cookie dough for half the cookies today, baked other cookies last night. You know, it wasn't so bad. The printing I mean. I used some Nishinouchi and some Shin Torinoko white, both from McClain's, and I actually managed to moisten the paper not too much, not too little, and the registration held too! Helps that the paper is small. I printed the red and black twice on each print, and only screwed up 4 with a total run of 22 finished prints. I'm pleased with it, no tears!

To finish these, I will trim and glue them to the front of some pre-cut standard cards I have, then stuff them into envelopes. Oh the days get so short this close to Christmas!

Maybe now I will be brave enough to print the heron blocks I carved a couple of months back.

carving out a better day.

Christmas is definitely a nice thing. Being human is mysterious, but Christmas has come every year in my lifetime,; I know I can rely on it coming and have decided to try to make it as good as possible, especially for my kids. First thing: carve. I decided to try to make Christmas cards on behalf of the family. Besides, carving gave me something to do and it is an amazingly therapeutic activity.





I actually have a damp pack sitting in wait for the first printing session I've had in over a year. I admit that, as usual, I'm having some jitters about printing. Maybe I wouldn't be so nervous if I wasn't supposed to drive to Portland tomorrow for a work-related holiday party, cards made and cookies too, which are supposed to accompany said cards.

I've been knitting a lot for Christmas gifts, and this year we have a significant cold snap that has kept the schools closed an extra week. We live in the hills, and here in the West we are not set up with a system to accommodate even a little bit of ice, so we are disabled with a few days of a bit of snow; very unlike the midwest or the east, but they are set up to deal with these things because there, snow and ice are givens. Here our society has not budgeted for such things - cheaper to just shut down several activities for a few days than to finance something on a larger, more systemic scale. Meanwhile, the boys have enjoyed the snow:



And as boys will be boys, they decided to create a Calvin-inspired, morbid snowman:



Life is strange, infinite, chaotic, perhaps purposeless, but at least the boys find humor worthy and why not. Why not?

Considerations.

I composed some preliminary work of paintings I thought I might try to take on although they are all quite hopeless in topic. I'm not sure that I'll carry any of them out, but here's a quick view of one I worked on for a few nights, that is before I saw my dad at the foster care home. He knew my name, but could only breathe it out for a minute, registered my presence for only short periods of time, then his awareness of my presence was completely gone, although his eyes were open. The calendar on the wall, the clock, the emptiness - it was all so horrid, so tragic and unbearable for me. I sobbed while I wrote out the rent check, but seeing old people die is nothing for the caregivers. Facing death is really hard for me. My neighbor is a very committed Christian and I have found some of her words comforting, her kindness, mostly. I wish I could believe that man has no power over the world and feel just fine about that, accept it as a fact. My neighbor says she finds hope by focusing on working toward the principles she believes in, and those we share: kindness, goodness, generosity, the basic good that we believe is a part of us instead of an approach I really can't fathom, as in the actions of the terrorists and this time what they have done in India.

For now instead of investing my time into actually creating paintings of the despair about the issues facing humanity that I see, I am sharing what I have done in digital sketches:
First was after experiencing the election and hearing extensive discussion about race in the US, all while I was thinking about women's position too.


Next is from a sketch I made from a quick view I saw going over an overpass. I was thinking about the energy issue and how many people there are and the intrusive infrastructure we have created that is so foreign to the land that exists underneath, not to mention how much we depend on oil. It used to be all wild not so long ago, no I-5.


Last is not a great looking sight, but it illustrates my despondency about the explosion of the human population and the resulting scarcity of food and water.


Pretty dismal point of view, I know. But there is an artist whose work I really like, whose work is compelling and not disturbing or horrifying or depressing, just a gentle kind adventure that doesn't tear my soul to bits. It's Lynita Shimizu's work. I'm going to rest there and I think I'll be trying to take on the piece I told my friend at Saint Bernard Rescue Foundation I'd do for them.

A beautiful fall day.

Now that it is deep into fall, sunny days are particularly rare and appreciated. Today was one of those days. I looked out and saw this leaf positively glowing in my yard, so I grabbed my camera for a photo. I went in for a closer look, a photo, turned and saw the stones of our walkway laced with moss:

I know a lot of people don't really appreciate moss in their grass, on their roofs or between the rocks on their paths, but I think it's kind of beautiful. Moss has an admirable ability to find fuel for life in areas where nothing else has much opportunity to grow.

I've been finishing the socks for my friend Sakurako. I tried them on her tonight, and I have just about one solid day of knitting left on them before they're done, but that will have to wait. I have a meeting in Portland on Saturday, work related, and I must gear up for that. Which means I won't be printing as soon as I expected to be. I've been committing myself too easily to projects that aren't within the parameters of what I claim I want to be doing. I open my mouth and am full of optimism for what I think I can do, but in reality my plans require about three of me. And for another thing, I have two kids, one of whom is homeschooled, two Saint Bernards, three cats and six large pet birds that stroll around my yard each day. Too many animals!

inspiring shot in the arm

Because today is a holiday, my oldest son has no school. I agreed to drive him to Portland to spend time with his two buddies who also love computer programming and collaborate on projects together with him. The forecast said it would be mighty rainy, so although I thought I'd take Cyrus for a (free today) stroll through the Japanese Gardens not too far from where we'd be, I thought instead we'd go to the Portland Art Museum and/or the Contemporary Crafts Gallery, now called the Museum of Contemporary Craft. It has moved since I was last there, which was before my son Noah was born, maybe in 1993. I was throwing pots at the time and working as a ceramics lab assistant at Portland Community College under Wally Schwab, an accomplished potter trained at Alfred. Wally was well acquainted with a fairly well-known couple who produced pottery together out of their studio in northern California, Otto and Viveka Heino. They made huge vessels, and we went to their reception and open house. Dave (my husband) became famous that day because he got his photo in The Oregonian, paper cup in hand. Anyway...

So Cyrus and I headed first to the Crafts Museum, or so we thought we were going to do, but unfortunately, Cy got sick in the car. Fortunately though, he had nylon pants on and fortunately, my car has plasticized rubber flooring and fortunately, I used to live in that area of Portland so I remembered where the store was to get some paper towels and moist wipes. He was fine once all was cleaned up, although my car doesn't smell very good right now. No regurgitation would get in our way, so off we went to the Craft Museum. While walking to the museum, we passed a couple of galleries, and stopped at one, the Augen Gallery, which had some very engaging paintings by Jef Gunn visible from the sidewalk. The site doesn't quite convey the energy of his work or some of the nuance and depth that's more apparent in person. Cy and I had a great time looking at the work. There were even some big-name pieces there by Chuck Close, Frank Stella, Picasso and Miro. Great experience for both of us. Then we went on to the Craft Museum, where all things were colorful and alive with fun! The sculpture exhibition there was fantastic - there is a dedicated site for it here. Who would think to make a closed vessel made of scotch tape? Or melt a bunch of plastic toy soldiers into the shape of a low bowl? Cy was mesmerized by the sights, and particularly liked the sculpture made of hair combs. Very, very exciting. We wrapped up our Portland adventure by stopping by Knit/Purl. I bought a skein of lovely cashmere and silk yarn for a Christmas gift I plan to make for my sister, then we went on to pick up my oldest son and drove back home to Salem. It was an invigorating trip, such a breath of fresh air, and I had no idea how parched my mind had become being away from the cultural center that Portland is. I miss it for that.

Heron block progress

To contend with election night jitters, I found myself carving with fury. There are parts of this block that have intimidated me but I took a breath and just accepted the time it will take to address the minutia that this piece requires. Every piece, actually. Birds are of course great symbols of freedom, so working on this last night was somewhat therapeutic for me. And while I was afraid to hope my candidate would actually win this race, (he did) because for the past 8 years my candidate did not win, I also felt keenly a personal fight for freedom that I have been involved in on behalf of my oldest son. Sometimes bureaucracy can hurt children in the name of helping them, and I've been torn up about the situation. Carving can be very cathartic.

There is only one other block besides this one, so I should be moving relatively soon toward printing, something I have not done in about a year.

early evening on the road

I've been fixated on some views from I-5, reinforced by a multitude of trips north to Portland. Usually I did not have my camera in tow, but the impact of the moments that tended to repeat themselves remain etched in my psyche; in particular, the constructions of humans and how they dominate the landscape along the I-5 corridor I traveled. I have a few more persistent sights in my mind that I plan to carry out somehow, although I'm not sure how or when...

Yesterday my package from McClain's arrived with a few more boards and the much prized and missed honing compound. Yeah! Carving time tonight, for sure!

A new day!

I started carving last week, a simple 2-block woodblock print. The bad news is that I have misplaced my honing compound, so I cannot sharpen my knives until the new stuff comes or the old turns up. Should only be a day or two though, as McClain's is just up the road a ways.

Since I have to wait, and because it has been on my mind, I decided to pull out an old painting I worked on but did not finish in 2006. I spent some time with my son Cy teaching him about painting today, and while he worked on his, I worked on mine again too:


Painting is an astonishingly peaceful activity. At least it can be, but for me some of this painting became so frustrating and there were decisions to be made that overwhelmed me, so I just set it aside until I felt ready to work on it again. Two years later, I'm ready for it, enjoyed it and will paint some more, for sure!

Heron

Last evening I was north again, picking up and doing paperwork for my current job. There is a beautiful pond nearby, a wetlands refuge that is the home for several birds. I have parked next to this pond (okay Cyrus says it's a lake) through the summer at times, snacking on a bit of food from a nearby strip mall before my drive back south. Last night Cy really needed some food, so we grabbed some Asian fare and parked in the empty lot to watch the birds at dusk. I turned off the motor and saw to my great delight this beautiful blue heron, just a few feet away. It stood quietly and peacefully for a good while before it had enough of me snapping photos of it. I wish I had a stronger lens, but I'm grateful to have been there at all.

This pond is very close to where I work when I drive north. As I sat there enjoying some food and enjoying the view, it felt symbolic that I witness this stunning sight at dusk this time, what with the days becoming so much shorter. It is change time. My boss and friend is interviewing 3 people today in an effort to find someone to replace me. I have mixed feelings of guilt, worry, relief and excitement. Change of a certain type is inevitable though, we all know that.

Making my way back.

To begin this renewed turn of my life, I sought some oxygen to give me strength. In that vein, the other day Cyrus and I went out to the Ankeny Wildlife Refuge near my home. It was a beautiful afternoon and although we could only view a few birds from the viewing areas, it was inspiring nonetheless. The wetlands are dry in many places right now, but still there were a few of my favorites out there - egrets and herons. I so love the birds. Love them so much that I decided to make my first return to woodblock about them. To me, birds are sacred creatures and getting to know them personally over the past few years has been an honor. I now have 6 in my family, and it's been a delight to come to understand them. The egrets and the herons though, they always take my breath away when I see them in the wild. Yesterday I even saw a great blue heron as I left Portland, car carrying another plastic case filled with paperwork I will soon leave behind. That bird was standing in a large patch of manicured grass at the junction of I-205 and I-5. It's such a hopeful sight to me when I see wildlife survive among the structures of human dominance. So just for pleasure and in the name of hope, I've begun work toward a new print:

All I can do is try.

I finished the Obstacles shawl! Cy loves it. I made it for me, actually, but he has taken a liking to it, especially to ward off the inevitable morning chill.

180º

I really needed that break, I really did. This period of reflection has been absolutely necessary for me to survive because mentally I've not been doing well. I've been called a Square Peg more than once in my life, and through this time of reflection I've realized that once again that is the problem. I am undergoing a personal restructuring of my priorities and life and will be coming back to this blog very shortly with a renewed permission to view and enjoy and experience things as I see fit, with no requirement to address things in such a way that it asks me to be critical of everything I do or what humanity does at all times. That attitude is just crippling for me. Nope, I have felt a turn, taken a sip from a goblet of hope that will maybe give me just the permission I need to enjoy this life as I have it. I am not an ambassador, a 24/7 caregiver, or a grunt piece to enable someone else's dream to come true. I was raised with the belief that I am entitled to live my own dream while remaining true to my personal responsibilities.

More to come and soon, I'm glad to say.

Taking a break

I'm needing to step away from this public blogging thing for a bit. Meanwhile I'm working, caring for my family and home and reflecting on the necessity of an artist's voice in the massive sea of this civilization. How much of what we are driven to share as artists, is really just another iteration of a person's desire for fame and attention? Just thinking about these things. I've put my camera away for a while, my knives have been set aside for over a year now in woodblock printing, and I'm just reflecting about things on a personal level. I'm knitting, and thinking just, you know... thinking about things.

Well did anybody else cry?

I cried. Knit. Then donated a little money. If I can buy a luxury skein of yarn then why can't I help Obama. So I won't buy yarn but I'll hope for Obama because I want something good, something different for my kids not to mention the world, than what I've been witnessing the last 8 years. I have neighbors that voted for Bush twice. A brother. How it could happen frightens me deeply. I could not help them see, but maybe Obama can? Can they see hope and despair now? I just threw $25 toward hope. I'll work again tomorrow, then maybe do it again. I don't think I can bring myself to watch the Republican convention, and I know it was all preaching to the choir here in a way, but I watched it just the same. I haven't felt such hope in my lifetime as a voter. Maybe my $25 will fight the swift-boat dust storm creators and disarm them. I don't know. But I cried tonight for the Republicans who are choosing Obama this time. For the end of the tax relief for the wealthy and for the end of the empty concept of trickle-down. For the end of policy protecting the greedy who are draining everything our forefathers and mothers worked for to help make companies successful in the first place. For gay people needing assurances for a good life with the same protections the rest of us have the chance to get. For all the things he said. For my kids.

And I knit Dave's sock. The So Square sock.

s'up.

It gets this way sometimes. I have been busy with my job and learning a new skill for it, which is good but sometimes exhausting when I am pulled away. I saw my sister and helped her a bit with the state of her life by sorting, boxing, listing, donating. But meanwhile my hands and feet are going numb, as are my legs and arms but just a little, but the feet are hurting along with it and I'm trying not to freak out. No sense visiting the quack for the inevitable expensive shrug and scorn. It's hard to face our finiteness. And not that it helps matters but I've been watching Bill Moyer's Journal from time to time. That can be a downer but a reality check, just like driving to Portland is for me when I must maneuver through the traffic and at the gas station see hundreds of other humans like me with their vehicles sucking in the precious addiction substance called gasoline. I am really baffled by us humans. We just don't really fit with the rest of the life forms on this planet, do we.

When all else fails, knit.

So I did, and then I failed at that. Final effort I made, sock #4 trying to make a version of the "Sparrow" sock from Noro Joy, by Jane Ellison. I used the Noro Kureyon sock. I ended up with #0 needles, although the pattern calls for #2, to get gauge. I picked up 20 instead of the 22 stitches as written along the heel. And yet, and yet the pattern still does not work. There is too much fabric along the arch of the foot. I. HATE to give up but i. give. up. I hate to give up. Sorry Cherry Blossom. Sorry.

Wellness.

It's not like wellness is a static thing, a thing to purchase or a finite state to achieve. It's like happiness. It's there when it's there and you're glad for it and try not to freak out that it's going to leave you and you don't know when. Lately I have not been well though and I admit that it makes me mad (what a surprise). I've been coughing and wheezing for a few weeks now, wondering if I have asthma. I've been nailed with several disabling migraines despite my prevention medication and the Big Gun of Maxalt. Maybe it's the heat? Naw, it hasn't been that hot. Maybe it's the stress? Could be. The boys talk non-stop. Unless you've lived it, you cannot know. Then there are the trips to Portland. Not a big deal really, except for some reason they seem like they are to me. Yesterday I took my youngest along with me, stopped at Uwajimaya for a bite to eat & to purchase a nice bottle of つゆ but realized at the check-out counter I had completely forgotten my debit card & left it at home, next to the stove. Anywya, last night I smelled a weird industrial smell and awoke this morning with swollen sinuses and a migraine. By 4 this afternoon I felt well enough to leave the house and while driving away from our little street I could see that my next door neighbor, who has been sawing and pounding things on the weekends for a while, finished his deck railing. It's all painted and tidy, but *ding* that is what I smelled last night. The drying paint. Solvents and stuff like paint will for sure give me a headache.

So today after heading out for a necessary work-related errand, I stopped at the health food store in town with my boys in tow. I'm thinking short-term gains here. Like making tofu burgers or some vegetarian lasagne. Doesn't that sound good? It's so immediate. Nobody will look over my shoulder to inspect my work, there are no social ramifications surrounding the caliber of my workmanship because it will be a personal meal. How refreshing. A nice change from enduring the cryptic ways of humans, whose motivations can so often be confounded.

So lately I've been thinking about fame, about the usual existential crisis, about why people would go to their 30th high school reunion (mine is tonight and NO I am not going), and about how nice it is to simply make something without strings of desire for acknowledgment attached. You know, just a crazy thing for the yard. Maybe some tile on the front porch. Doesn't need publishing, no grand statement. In 200 years, we will all be so dead and gone, if there any humans left we will just be regarded as an "era" rather than any one individual gaining notoriety. Oh maybe Bush, but that kind of notoriety most of us would not want. Artists of long ago were statistically more significant because of the total human population. Most people that will effect us now are either politicians or scientists, maybe tech-gurus. IMHO.

early evening by the park 2

early evening by the park 1

straw and a butt

What to do after church

Look closely now, check out this kid's sign. I didn't go to church today (I don't "do" church), and I have a hunch maybe he didn't go to one either. At least not one people think of when they read the word, "church".

invisible mothers.

After the kids are no longer toddlers, seems to me that a lot of people credit a kids' success to their inherent greatness (natural parental pride) or due to their father or teacher's influence (arrogant credit) and the mom is dishes and carpet cleaning material. If the kid is troubled, then perhaps the mother is visible again. Exception here: Thomas Edison. Homeschooled genius boy whose teacher said he was "unteachable". Probably true if the teacher was like any of the typical ones in schools around here. Thomas Edison's mom yanked him out of the claws of an arrogant mediocre teacher and allowed her kid to become as great as he could be by teaching him at home. Homeschoolers like me love Thomas Edison's educational journey, as it is affirming to us that we aren't completely insane and overprotective. Anyway...

I thought of this just now because I was off reading a bio of Andy Goldsworthy who is a famous guy now, close in age to me and his work came to mind as I was mulling over John Pfahl's work. So many visions through the eyes of men. Anyway, I got on to that linked page there on Wikipedia and to say I felt like I had been pants'd and peeved at the entry there on that guy would be an understatement. It reads that he is "The son of F. Allin Goldsworthy (1929–2001), former professor of applied mathematics at the University of Leeds." Absent is the fact that F. Allin Goldsworthy has miraculously mastered the ability to bear children, kind of like one of those all-in-one printer/scanner/photocopier machines. Wow. Not only is he a mathematician with prestige and clout, he made a baby sans the assistance of a woman. Miraculous.

wetlands next to human industry

rain droplets

resourceful heron

what'cha doin

Just thinking.

Eons ago, when I was studying at the school of Art & Architecture in Chicago, I was lucky enough to attend a brown-bag seminar given by photographer John Pfahl. His work came to mind the other day when I'd been thinking about photography again and I was remembering an exercise we did in Photography in college doing paired pictures. John Pfahl had just finished his series called "altered landscapes." I loved it and what a privilege to find it online. See, just now I went to his site and found he's been busy all these years and still has plenty to offer a sideways mind like mine. I particularly like his series, "extreme horticulture" (oh what a heavy hand us humans can attempt to have!) and "missile/glyphs". "Power Places" is really good, too. Back when I did 35mm work, it was a two-pronged artistry. Still is, but different. There is the shooting, then there was the dark room dedication and a lot of sacrifice of time, paper and film, not to mention money to get things right and really work in a print. I loved it, staying in the darkroom until the wee hours, then riding the El back to Evanston, although those wee hours were a bit risky. I tried to mask my gait and look like a guy in the dark. I dunno. Just been thinking about pictures lately. Kind of refreshing not to have flashy things to say, huh. I think so.

escape, enslaved.

A night alone

Okay so it's been a bit of a tight week. What can I say. I'm a middle aged woman feeling the effects of her biology and circumstances. Wisely, my husband removed himself and my children for the weekend from our house, per my request. Good move. I find I need alone time in my own space to think and organize and get a few things done, but when there is constant companionship, it gets a bit... well... interpersonally claustrophobic.

I took advantage of the time alone to write up a juicy list of all I hoped to get done and I'm proud to say I got through most of the list. I finished my socks! See?

They aren't perfect, but they're DONE. And naturally, I wasted no time casting on another pair:

These will eventually become my version of the "Spring Forward" sock from Knitty. I MAY even dig around for my Addi Turbo sizes 8 and 9 and begin swatching for Martha, although I'm not sure if I'll get to it. There always seems to be more to do than I have energy for. I did get a ratty old desk Noah used to use out of here. Got it all cleaned up, carried it out to my car and everything, ready to donate to Goodwill but even they wouldn't take it. Now I have this beast in my car and I have to go to the dump and pay their fee. Dang that's a skein of yarn. Maybe I'll wait until my husband isn't home, a weekday when nobody is around & smash the thing up & stuff it into the trash bin, bit by bit, as though I'm hiding some kind of crime evidence.

I finally made it to the gym & found a female employee who would help me. I must say that Corey appeared to have his head in a very dark place. When I arrived he looked at me, stared off and behaved like some kind of whitey boy gang member wanna be, too cool to acknowledge his mama in the grocery store, me being that mama in this case. I told the young woman that the professionalism of the place really stunk especially since I just plunked down some dough and it promptly sat in their bank account with no accountability to me and previous to then nobody even had the decency to offer to show me around the place. The good part of it though is that everybody who can afford the nicer gym nearby that has a pool, which is also farther away from here, is already going there and they can crowd it all up and be proud of their status of getting to go there, congratulate each other on whatever it is they want to brag about. I will have a nice slate-tiled locker room with tons of room to myself for the most part. I can't imagine it's always that empty of females, but I have a hunch the numbers are pretty low, what with Corey at the helm. But there were 3 really overweight guys in there trying to work off their load and I really respect them for being there. It made me happy that the place wasn't filled with buff roosters everywhere, although maybe the lack of such was the cause of Corey's state of mind, I dunno.

I've been thinking a lot about what has been making me feel so miserable about my life and I have a little list going now, one of which is that I am fundamentally a creative person (not saying it's "good" to anyone, just that a drive to do it is inherent) and I haven't had much in the way of opportunity to exercise that for most of the past year. I stepped into a little local gallery a few days ago and it was wonderful to discuss a little art with the owner. I'm at a place too where my understanding of what the visual expression (in this instance) is about is not necessarily good or bad, just an expression and it can be valid however deep or shallow it may seem. I'm getting to love the non-verbal again and frankly, this past year of working for the lab in many ways in areas of office type work has been so dry it's actually help accentuate the contrast enough for me to see what's wrong. So........ Now I must put together a plan for a remedy. I must or my entire family will pay with misery, and that's no way to live if you don't have to. I also have too many needy creatures around and in response to that realization, I called my brother-in-law and begged him to take my cat Roscoe:

He's the one who was hit by a car a year and a half ago, the one who dragged himself back home soaking wet after 3 days and who I had to give subcutaneous fluids to to help him survive and mixed up food-soup for him FOR A MONTH while he healed. His pelvis was broken in 3 places and he's still quite gimpy, but he's become such a bucket of need, wiping himself all over my legs because he wants his food fluffed up or some such thing, standing on the roof over my window and yelling into my room as I work, that sort of thing. And it's not like I don't give him attention. But Zeke, Zeke needs a cat. He has no woman, has no kids around, doesn't work, lives in a trailer with no responsibilities except his pet goat, and he does like to dote over a cat. In my desperation, I called, begged and he accepted. They've bonded now, so I'm told, and it's been 24 hours. There is hope. Now I only have THREE cats, two Saint Bernards, two boys and five chickens and a husband.

These are my confessions...

That Weird Al Yancovic song is really going around in my head.

a) I've been bitter and angry.
b) I'm PMS'ing in a big way.
c) Instead of working like a dog I'm working like a cat - pouncing and then lounging around in the grass (okay knitting).
d) Corey my "personal trainer" (yeah right) called an hour and a half before our appointed first meeting and rescheduled to Friday.
e) I bought another rug. That makes two rug purchases in two weeks. I did get a deal though. The first one is a really nice wool rug on sale at Crate & Barrel. I'm supposed to pick it up tonight. The second I spotted on Craigslist. It's impeccable and a nice 6x9 Karastan traditional. Now I have hope for the room I've designated "The Library" to come to fruition. Unfortunately the room still stinks from when my dad was living in there. Where that's coming from, I don't know. Both the carpet and mattress have been taken to the dump. My friend Judy buys couches. Used to buy pans. I buy rugs now. Rugs and yarn.
f) My yard is a major pit.
g) I haven't even started my Martha sweater. Oh but I want to.
h) I can't stand it that the Marina sweater isn't done.
i) My house is in complete shambles.

I've repainted two rooms and am trading rooms with one of my sons, so my youngest and I will share a room. Noah gets a blue room with electric green accents.

I'm so grateful to get the larger room. Noah had it when the boys shared a room, but then my younger son moved to the living room with me, took over the couch and I've been sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Oy it will be so nice to not have to move that every day or pay with a Saint Bernard lying all over it or guests staring at my bed or somebody leaving their dinner plate where my pillow would be. Not a great situation. The bigger room can also accommodate my work stuff. That other room is so small, I can't believe I had all my stuff (except my bed) crammed in there. No wonder it was a hopeless mess. Of course that which is defined as "my stuff" includes all the boys' artwork, family paper work, half my dad's care correspondence, all mending and everything that my husband would normally have out in the garage on his workbench. You know, like hobby things including MY YARN STASH and a boat load of books, all my woodblock printing supplies, also my computer and work surface for my job. Meanwhile, I am leaving town for the day to haul my older son up to his programming class in the Portland metro area and to stop by the lab I work for. I sure wish there were 48 hours to each day.

On a happy note, when I'm waiting in the parking lot while my son takes his class for 3 hours this evening, I have hope to maybe get to the toe of my 2nd Child's First Sock. I'm on the heel now of the 2nd sock, so there's that:

If I get tired of that, I'll fire up my laptop and work on my web development skills. I hate being middle aged sometimes. Nailed with a lot of responsibilities, material demands and expectations of living in the 21st century which includes learning tons, more than a brain can accommodate. So I'll listen to a few podcasts to increase my Japanese skills during my hour drive up and back.

あくせんくとうする (in my clumsy American way, I'm trying to say that I am struggling with my mental challenges...)

Garden eye candy.

Also, the boys had some fun with fireworks. I used to love fireworks but these days I'm too old, afraid and sensitive to enjoy much of it. I do like these though:

She doesn't like orange.

Isn't that a great happy party-like color? I mean how could a person not feel like an energized chunk of goodness and happiness when they see that skein? Okay maybe my niece will not. I bought two skeins of this lovely yarn from Knit/Purl fully thinking that she would love it but four inches into the leg and I find out her LEAST FAVORITE color on the planet is orange. Okay okay. I can take it. The redeeming thing here is that I like orange and peach and burgundy and my gauge always seems to be big. In other words, this sock is going to fit me and would probably have been too big for my 10-year-old niece anyway. I even reduced the pattern by 8 stitches around, thinking it would accommodate her petite self. Oy I am a loose knitter.


On a different note, we drove down to my FIL's yesterday. I snapped a few pictures for fun and stuck my head in my knit sticks. Lots of male energy and endless chatter on the part of them all. I finally made my BIL look at my newest book acquisition, Knitting Vintage Socks. He said the mouse problem they're having would make any hand-knit woolen a pretty vulnerable item. He's wanting to adopt a cat. I told him I have four and he could take his pick...

Here are a few photos from the trip:

Grandpa Don's truck bed:


Uncle Zeke's cabin:


Some daisies on the roadside I spotted when I was driving home:

Whew!

I misplaced my camera and it was missing for several days. Today my alarm regarding this problem reached a fevered pitch. Combined with a LOT of driving and traffic congestion and time issues, I was a bit stressed out BUT... the good news of the recovery of my camera came rushing into my psyche as I discovered the smooth black bag wedged between the wall and my hall seat. Nice and cool, safe as a cuke in the fridge. No freaky person stepped into my house and stole it. Nobody opened the back of my car and took it unbeknownst to me because somehow I might have forgotten it and left it in my car and Dave must have not locked it on some outing.

I did some knitting today. Made it up to Knit/Purl in Portland twice now and purchased some really nice Koigu yarn color #602 specifically for my precious niece who just turned 10. I KNOW I promised myself not to pick up any new projects but when things are the craziest, I pick up new projects. It soothes me. So sue me.

Now that my camera is found, I'm going to start snapping some pictures. It's been a long time since I've felt compelled to photograph much of anything other than documenting oddball things around the house but I'm feeling inspired in the texture department again. I do love texture.

Lovely long days.

I love the long days of June. I really do. Now that I'm middle-aged, I have circulation issues in my hands and feet, so winter is not my best friend. But right this minute? I'm barefoot. My hands are warm and the air is moving around, fresh air right in from the windows with a hint of spent-fireworks smell from the whistlers the neighbor boy is setting off in anticipation of Independence Day. The temp reached around 90 today, too hot to hang around outside much but still, it was lovely. Yesterday it reached 101, so I was thankful for the air conditioner. That makes two things to add to my list:

• Long summer days
• Our air conditioner

My sister and her partner gave the AC to us 10 years ago when my youngest son was born. It was 100 that entire week in July that year. Boy was I thankful for it then, too.

I haven't been knitting as much. Some, but not as much by a long shot. I have been working quite a bit on our house and for my job. One evening a few days ago though I sat around with the family and played the board game, Catan. It was pretty fun and the boys became ferociously competitive, naturally. While they vied for the card that gave them the title (and subsequent points) for the most warriors and what not, I quietly acquired land and houses and just before they came to blows, I won the game. Whew!

Another gratefulness item:

• board games

Stay cool.

Engrish!

About a year ago at our house we discovered some very funny stuff called Engrish. Engrish is usually signage of some sort spotted in China or Japan and it's hilariously garbled. I certainly know of several gaffs I myself have made in Japanese, so reading Engrish makes me laugh super hard! Anyway, I've been visiting this blog and just this evening discovered the Engrish category of posts. And in the name of humility, might I just say that I have called myself a Japanese term that came very close to meaning "lazy" and thought, accidentally, that my friend wrote a thank-you note telling me to clean my nose when in fact she was telling me that the flowers I gave her were beautiful...

One in billions.

I'm coming to terms with that. I'm coming to terms with the drive to "say" anything, that my views whether through a camera lens or through my mind are simply a grain of sand. It's easy, I suppose to think in a more myopic manner, to believe that one's point of view has some kind of importance in the larger scheme of things. I see it all the time when I read posts of swingin' knitters, political pundits and what not. But lately I'm more in the way of enduring and attempting to appreciate, rather than trying to generate communication. Maybe it's a symptom of my immediate environment, which includes animals who need a lot of maintenance, a husband who isn't interested in much of anything beyond himself and the kids, same. I've come to believe that virtually everything has been seen or read or thought of before, so my position is to enjoy what does come before me if I can.

Today I'm thankful for:

Garbage Service

My washing machine.

I'm thankful for:

1. My washer
2. My dryer.
3. My mattress.

I was sleeping on the floor for a while.

There. Three things. I'm PMS'ing and I've had a bad night with the Marina vest. I came sooooOOo close to finishing but it's just frickin' huge on me. I have to take the entire thing out and I'm trying not to be too upset but it is just huge. Even after I took it off and shortened the shoulders and everything. I'm going to go to sleep now, as I spent a good portion of my evening knitting with great anticipation of being finished. Yes I tried it on numerous times before now but now the edges are finished and it's just. Not. Right. I will rip it all out after I spend some time analyzing what needs to be changed and customize the pattern so it isn't so irritatingly huge. I will also knit it differently than the pattern calls for to bypass that awkward shoulder seam thing. I think it's my inexperience.

The day is just too short. My boys have been running around yammering about the new software, "Spore" and its release of the creature creator. The full version of the game should be released in September and of course we'll get it then.

I have so many ideas of stuff I want to make and do. I can't do it all in a 24 hour day. I either have times like this, inspired to do a ton and have little opportunity to do it all in, or feel flattened in winter with no energy. It will work out, sure it will.

Rrrrrrip.

Marina in progress

Here it is after following directions the best I could, about 90% finished. The armholes are too big and the neckline is so low it goes below where a normal woman would ever wear it. I also had a devil of a time sewing up the shoulders. I'm now in the process of taking out the shoulder seams and ripping down about an inch on front and back for length. Once it's about right, I'll then go back and add the edge detail around the front & neck.

Fun quiz I found:

I saw this new sock pattern on Knitty.com called, Spring Forward and it just so happens I have the yarn to make those... I would like to! But first I am finishing up my Noro Taiyo vest. It's been really a nice knit, quick results and I'm probably 80% of the way finished now. Anyway the designer of those socks has a link on her blog for this little quiz about color & personality. I guess it's just a little fun because it's not like it changes you, but it does make a person feel less alone, especially when it's true. Here's the link. And here are my results:

you are darkslategray #2F4F4F

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well. Your saturation level is lower than average - You don't stress out over things and don't understand people who do. Finishing projects may sometimes be a challenge, but you schedule time as you see fit and the important things all happen in the end, even if not everyone sees your grand master plan. Your outlook on life is dark. You're generally a pessimist and everyone knows it; you're the one the come to when they don't want the sunshine blown around, they just want to straight truth. You can miss good things in life if you make up your mind too early though.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Things I'm thankful for today:

1. Maxalt.
I awoke with a migraine today that could have ruined my day, but instead I am quiet and staying mellow while the drug works its magic. It really is a miracle drug, especially for someone like me who gets so many migraines and it has restored a sense of a normal life for me. And no, there was no alcohol consumed to spur on the migraine this time...

2. The Deli at the Grocery Store.
Today the boys have a pot-luck gathering for their Japanese class, and I know I would just shrivel if I had to offer up something I had actually made. I ordered a large platter of fruit from the deli. Wah-lah. Something healthy, not necessarily American and ego-protecting, not to mention time saving. It is a major luxury for a reasonable price.

3. Coffee.
I love my coffee with cream.

Yesterday I went to Borders up in Lake Oswego, just to spend some time out of my usual track. I really enjoyed just poking around & browsing without voices demanding that I see what they are looking at, let's go and all that. I got to peruse the magazines and found one that gave me great hope about our kitchen dilemma. It was in Fine Woodworking in a special issue (I think) about kitchens and the innovative guy who did up his own kitchen actually used the rubber surfacing used on playgrounds around climbing equipment for his cabinetry. He said he has busy kids and they worried about sharp corners. It looked great and surely would hide every smudge. I wouldn't use it myself, but the innovative thinking gave me great hope regarding our dishwasher problem. Dave managed to get the thing attached well so he is hired to be Dishwasher Man whenever he is home. When he is away, if it sprays I will hand-wash. Meanwhile I will keep my eye out for more eclectic solutions and not freak that we must dish out thousands for a more conventional solution. We will, however, be doing a tile countertop with great big tiles someday soon, and replace the sink.

No pics today. I'll get one of my Marina vest soon though, as I am almost done with that.

JUNE!

I've got big goals for June. For the most part I just want to work on my knitting as I can (no new projects - too many solo socks and nearly-done items) and try to focus on things I'm thankful for, attempting to list at least 3 things I'm thankful for at minimum once a week. Tonight I am thankful for:

1. Hot water
2. My car
3. My house
4. The fact that my husband has a job and can support us.
5. My own job.

Those are big things, but I am very grateful for them.

This picture shows a point of frustration for me though. I think of water as sacred and hot water in particular, since it is two basic things: energy to heat it and the water supply itself. So when my dishwasher, which is a portable job, is not connecting well to the faucet (as it is wont to do) I get pretty frustrated. I spent a long time trying to get this thing to connect properly last wash and again tonight. I tried to catch at least some of the hot water but the waste just horrifies me. I am ready now for a new solution.

Elephant sock.

How's this for a bit of a guffaw? I spent soooo much time on this but laughed anyway because it looks so ridiculous! I decided to keep it to show my friend Cherry Blossom and knit up a third sock (I unraveled the first - way way off, even more than this one). We did a fitting on Wednesday with the updated heel and it fit her much better. I have this pic I took before I made it around the heel:

We laughed so hard we nearly cried and I put the big sock around a vase on the table near where we sit during Japanese class while unsuspecting church people walked by. It was good to have something funny because Cherry Blossom lost her mother-in-law two weeks ago in a tragic accident and I brought her a condolence card & some lilies.

I'm also working on my "Marina" pattern using my Noro Taiyo yarn. Mmmm such a pleasure to work with and such quick results for creating fabric per stitch than a sock-sized stitch. I'm hoping to have it finished in a couple of weeks, but whatever. I'm going to enjoy the process. Here's a pic of what I have so far on the back:


And finally, just for kicks I have a couple of garden pictures. The first is a pic of a blossom from my razzleberry bush. The blossoms are nice but the bush looks like garbage, so I only took a picture of the good part:


And second is a picture of a blossom of thyme or something like that we have growing in the front rock garden. It gets pretty rangy.