a little view

Chinese Food sounds good today.

2009-12-25T13:24:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Day, and to all who are embracing this as their Big Holiday, I wish you a very good one. We have a tree and the boys have had gifts from Santa and family members, and they seem very happy with their day. For them, it is their Big Holiday. It is funny how my sons still want to believe in Santa so badly, and are willing to suspend all disbelief for the sake of the fun despite the fact that they are not young children anymore.

There is something about wading through a holiday based on religious beliefs that are different than my own that makes me feel like having Chinese food. We rolled down the road to four different restaurants finding three open and decided on a buffet. I missed freshly cooked food but it was still nice to have some sweet and sour something. Really wanted that today. It was interesting to see who else was patronizing the place on Christmas afternoon.

Paradigm shifts, coming up for air.

2009-12-10T11:18:00.000-08:00

Again and again I am confronting the profound effects of the paradigm shift that began for me over a year ago. So much has happened since then. My father died, both my children returned to public school (we homeschooled for a good while), I returned to school, the economy crashed and I faced a very difficult personal task of trying to figure out how to create a strategy for the future. Today, unlike a year ago, I see my life as finite every day. Today I think in terms of probabilities all the time, no guarantees. I am also focused on personal goals that I held early on in my life; I've compared them to where I am now and am trying to reconcile the difference, which is vast. I am fortunate, extremely fortunate, to have the privilege of trying to pull myself toward a trajectory that is meaningful to me and to have the support of my family while I do so.

Monday I took all three of my course finals for Fall term. My grade for organic chem just came in and I can see I did well on exam, so I am sipping from that sweet victory cup today. I feel fortunate again, but wow did I work for that grade. I do not recall ever having to work quite so hard in a class. This was difficult in terms of sheer volume of information to understand together with a huge amount of work we had to produce. We had intensive labs, write-ups, loads of homework, quizzes, midterm exams and a research project including a poster and presentation. My other finals went fine too, I'm pretty sure - Cell Biology and Statistics. I cannot sit back now that the exams are over though. No way. I have a strategy to follow, and it involves dedication beyond a final exam.

Maybe it's just me, but the explosion of the blogosphere and discussion boards seems to have faded quite a bit from where it was 5 years ago. With the advent of Facebook and Twitter, blogs like this, journal-style, are perhaps too time-intensive for many people to read. How handy is it to read something more than a sentence or two long when you're reading it off your handheld device? I think a lot of people prefer the friendship network idea too, with a public display of their friend collection and one-off comments about their moment. Not much depth there IMO. Meaning is something I have been looking for, and I'm not finding it on Twitter or Facebook, but that is not to say I don't read entries there.

I'm hesitant to delete this blog because I guess I still have hope that a single voice can still be important, can have some kind of effect, can provoke thought or provide comfort or something, even if it is from a middle-aged woman fighting for purpose and meaning for the rest of her life, in the midst of a national economic and global ecological shift.

Reschooling: women vs. men, etc.

2009-10-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

Today I am taking a little happiness in the fact that I did really well on my first organic chemistry exam. The professor is intense, the class itself is intense (clicker education), the material is not so easy to grasp sometimes and can require understanding of a lot of abstract concepts. I'm sure relative to material to come, this is just baby stuff but it doesn't seem that way now. The victory feels very good, but I have no time to bask in it - I have a paper to write, an exam to prepare for and a lot more work to do for everything. It is very, very strange to be working hard as a student at my age and have my family too. I hope I will always have my family.

It occurred to me the other day that I am one of about three older women in the chemistry class, but there are no older men. Come to think of it, there have not been any older men in any of my science classes. There are some in my statistics course, but not the science classes. Hm. I'm wondering why. And it is interesting that several people I have met already have bachelor's degrees and are working to become additionally educated to develop their careers. The formula is definitely bachelor's degree and a lot of hard work + integration with the working world. That last component is what I never really obtained after getting my degree eons ago. If I had it to do over, I would have crafted my education in a way that the endpoint was more integrated with the outside world, pointing to some professional path with a network instead of ripping away from it all and moving back to Oregon from Illinois. Or I would have built it and finished it here in Oregon in the first place.

I must be getting a little better.

2009-10-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

I'm actually thinking about knitting something for the first time in almost a year. The other day I was excited about making a nice dinner for the family. This sounds trite, but enjoying normal things has not been the standard fare for a long time. My dad died after a prolonged illness, both my dogs died, and I gave away my pet chickens all within a few months. My children are growing up and I'm facing a huge job of trying to build a new life. But it is good, very good to think about knitting again and actually be thinking it seems kind of... special. I will celebrate the end of my term by knitting a Christmas gift for my sister, and a neckwarmer for myself.

Something a little funny.

2009-08-16T00:15:00.000-07:00

I'm thankful that it is summer.

2009-08-01T09:12:00.000-07:00

Warm weather is something I appreciate. I am a thin person and cold sears through me easily, so the heat of summer is something I welcome. I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful that I have a reliable car at this time, and that my family is healthy. That is no small point of gratitude. We have a home, enough food to eat. With summer here, our windows are open, and every morning when I wake up at dawn, I try to focus on things I'm thankful for. But there is something different here now. There is often a silence that almost sounds like pressure, like a vacuum unless birds are singing, and birds, with the exception of crows, have been uncommonly absent. It was a silent morning today, a vacuum of silence, until I got out of bed. That is when the crows began to caw and have been doing so since. I will often see 4 to 10 crows in one neighbor's yard, eating their bird food. I have seen up to 40 or so high in the fir trees, flying between roosts. I think the issue of crows is not exclusive to the area around our home though. I see and hear them on the campus where I am attending classes several miles away. Last night a headline caught my eye. Apparently there is a problem with crows in the Seattle area too, and a University of Washington professor decided to study the crows' ability to recognize human faces and found that they actively do so. Here is the link to the story. Their intelligence has not been disputed, but the question I am not hearing is Why Are There So Many Of Them Now? And what can we do about it? Gone are the days when the songs of the birds were consistently varied and by August I could hear plenty of bugs buzzing, humming, generally making their insectoid noises. This year, however, there is very little of that. I haven't seen any real butterflies, almost no dragonflies, virtually no regular flies, very few bees and almost no wasps. Ants are around though. I think they'll be around long after humans are gone, provided there is land for them.

A new road.

2009-06-26T08:38:00.001-07:00

I have now completed my first week as a full-time student. It is quite an adjustment. I am not the only student who is older, but I am probably one of the two oldest. One younger woman in my class has two bachelor's degrees, Journalism and French, and is preparing to head into a more practical direction. These are the realities of the Old US College System. To encourage a person to head into a major that has no practical place in society should probably be accompanied by significant advising and assistance to the student to dovetail them into the working world.

I am still watching the economy but not as closely as I was. I am trying to focus on a positive future rather than the dire predictions of the day. In my state the unemployment rate is 12.4%, the second highest in the nation; Oregon used to be a progressive state with a good education system, but it has always had a precarious economy. I grew up here when the mills began to close, but I lived in a college town and lived in a neighborhood where everyone was college-bound; the timber industry and the economy didn't feel threatening then. Today of course, all that is different. One economist I follow is Diane Swonk. I do so because a) she is a woman; b) she is a mother; c) she is a successful economist and d) she is not freaking out about the economy. She grew up in Michigan while her father worked for the automobile industry and I heard a speech of hers once, decided she was more optimistic than some of the people whose opinions I had been reading and thought it was a good point of view to consider. Here is a link to her latest post, where she writes that recovery is painful. Yes, I can attest to that. I am trying to remain hopeful that this new trajectory of mine will come to fruition, that things will fall into place as I walk through this transition from being a full-time mother, graphic artist, child-care provider, elder-care provider, animal-lover and all that I have been over the last 10 years to working in a rewarding job doing meaningful work.

awakening... after twenty-five years.

2009-05-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

It's like I've had blankets ripped off me on a cold winter morning. Twenty-five years of my life has passed, and I am astonished that I threw away so much opportunity, so much of what I worked so hard to achieve for the first half of my life for the sake of my family life and children. I have Googled around to see if this situation is unique. I couldn't find much.

The other day I saw a spider swinging down from the light in the hall. I grabbed the thread and lowered the spider into the toilet. It wadded up into a ball, then began to swim, desperate to get out, unwilling to stop trying but unable to get traction on anything, not even the porcelain. I saw myself in that spider and decided to let it go. It scuttled off to a place behind the toilet and I haven't seen it since.

It's hard not to look back on my life and dwell on all the choices I could have made differently. Really hard. And I worry about my children. I will always worry about them.

Ten crows hiding

2009-05-08T11:53:00.001-07:00

There really has been an invasion of crows here. I googled it and what has transpired here with the influx of crows has gone down in many other smaller cities like mine. They apparently prefer smaller cities, especially near a river. The river? Right next to downtown.

Further parallels: got a notice from my son's school that this neighborhood that has become so vacant and haunted is now plagued by some gang activity. Do I wish we could flee? Yes. Right now. And to turn back the clock which I cannot seem to do. During the day when I am home and not volunteering for the food bank (depressing) or at the job center (depressing), I sit by my woodstove thankful for the heat, thankful for my internet connection, sometimes I listen to the radio also very depressing. Neil Conan of TOTN is so cock-sure of himself, it's too much for me. And TV? Forget it. The joy of what this place had the first three years of our lives here is gone. An era of guinea pigs, preschool and dogs. Hope for my kids' safety and futures has diminished profoundly. Suddenly I am useless to my community except to care some for my children who don't need me as much anyway. There is a horrible sense of abandonment by a world that I thought I lived in. It's gone gone gone. I knew. KNEW when we bought this place that the sign at the top of the street that reads, "Dead End" was prophetic.

A view of my neighbor's house across the street:

Creative work has evaded me severely. I am not driven to do it, cannot seem to find the peace that I need to do it. I cannot knit. Instead I am shocked by my ill-preparedness to face a rugged world, far more rugged than I ever realized it is, and I am terrified for my sons' safety and well-being. I am not finding any pathway back in to the workforce, and the few moments I've had as opportunities have met with a degree of mockery in one case, pity in another. I never thought of myself as being an older worker before, but apparently, obviously now, I am. Having spent time as an artist without substantial financial backing elsewhere was a mistake. Basking in the aesthetic beauty and meaning of what I could see? Foolish. I should have been working my way up in public or healthcare administration or something. Taking my kids out of the schools here and schooling them myself was also a mistake. I should have gone back to work/school and put them into private schools. Or let them sink/swim before the gangs moved in. I am not bilingual, and because I am not, I have another serious blow to my reentry into the workforce.

I'm working on six months of this realization that the world has changed and I have been left behind. I could use a really good adviser, somebody to mentor me back into the workforce. I was so foolish not to be building a significant network all this time. I let my significant other and my own denial prevent me from embracing the world as it IS instead of basking in chickens and dogs and innocence that is transient and often trashed sooner than we would like. I'd run to Canada or Vermont or some place like that if I could.

Spring.

2009-04-14T23:04:00.001-07:00

At some point I'm hoping to recover enough to take some photos. My neighborhood has been besieged by crows, but the usual blossoms are back and looking nice. There is a sadness, a pathetic quality to the flowers this year, though. The crows have nudged out all the other lovely birds that used to come through here in the spring - nuthatches, chickadees, rufus-sided towhees, and I am sad for the beautiful morning songs of those birds of the past. Now it is "caw caw" for the most part. I can't help but think there are some eerie parallels between the expansion of the crow population and the changes to my personal life, the human population expansion, the economy on a larger scale, and of course climate change. Nothing is separate, the fabric of life seems to be very complex indeed.

I've been trying to look for work. It's been an ordeal, sending my son back to school after homeschooling, then staring at my real position in the face of the job market today. My perspective about our futures has changed drastically and I am constantly concerned about the well-being of my children and about the security of my husband's job. Yesterday Oregon's unemployment rate skyrocketed to 12.1%, the highest in the nation thus far. Trouble is, all my relatives live here. My old Bachelor's degree isn't worth much, honors schmonors, and I'm kicking myself for not having chosen something more practical to study and to have been building a secure career all these years. But kicking myself is something I'm trying not to do so much because it is so devastating I end up losing entire days just filled with dread and self loathing unable to get off the couch. I have started to volunteer at the local food bank operative center, so there's that. It does help to get out and learn some new things, be around different people. I read though that people in my demographic group (middle-aged SAHMs trying to return to work) are not likely to find work, having been out of the major part of the work force for so long. Can you say sitting duck? Yet with all this, my attitude is improving a little. A little. I'm getting more energy to look daily for work online and at times make myself get out. It may be the spring sunshine and longer days that are helping things along that way - I'll accept that.

We've lost both of our Saint Bernards this year. Our younger Saint, Mika, ate something that poisoned her last week when she was out running in the cemetery. She's run out there for 3 years now, but this time somebody put something out there that she ate (she ate everything) and it killed her. She was not an easy dog to have, but I appreciated having her around for safety, and she was company during the day. I will always miss the charm of our Boris though. He will forever have a place in my heart.

All this change has made me feel like I have a totally different life than the one I was leading even a year ago. It's because I do. Even in September. My kids feel the strain, and they don't like the crows, but I don't want to take hope away from them. I guess the thing to do is to be thankful for what we have today and remember that there have been times of peace and prosperity as well as angst and tragedy throughout history, but it just so happens that I was naive enough to believe so much in the security of our country that we were immune to it.

A long but compelling video about farming and oil.

2009-03-27T01:08:00.000-07:00

Ah. So everybody is freaking out. It's not just me.

2009-03-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

My husband dug up some of the back yard today, the boys helped and shoveled wheel barrows of mulch. Our neighborhood may be abandoned during the day, but my yard will be growing vegetables I guess. I'm not adept at vegetable gardening, but this year it is being asked of me.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123689292159011723.html?mod=loomia&loomia_si=t0:a16:g4:r3:c0:b0

There must be something better.

2009-03-12T19:47:00.001-07:00

Today is a day when I am more seriously considering returning my youngest son back to public school, a school where there are bullies and a rougher population than the one I grew up with. We are so isolated, and I am not in a place to educate him like he needs, but we have no other alternative than the neighborhood school. I flashed back on memories about my own school experiences when my husband mentioned to me today that another stellar student from my alma mater won the Intel Science Talent Search. My high school was/is an excellent one, but the local system here is quite mediocre and we don't have the resources to enrich our childrens' education much more than the basics. Yesterday my older son won 5th place in the district spelling bee, and I am proud of him, but there are no funds to send anyone to the state level. I am trying to be thankful for what we do have.

Tonight I'm reading about trying to find my place. Evening is a friend to me, but then morning comes and once again I face the emptiness of the day. I must find a way to make life more meaningful, filled with kindness and less fear. I am a rare kind around here though - someone who is without a job over 18 and under 65, although unemployment in this county is over 10%. Somehow I must find my way. To focus on the Orlov predictions is just too nihilistic, even if it does seem true. Now I must get through the overwhelming view I've had lately of seeing people as an invasive species oblivious to our temporary state in our flesh-shells. Perhaps it is because of my lack of sense of connection with people?

crows

2009-02-26T11:29:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since my last post. Since that time much that has changed in my little view. Winter has been long and my vision for beauty has been undeniably affected. As of November, my paradigm of safety, having grown up in 20th century US, has insulated me deeply from the basic struggles of humanity since its beginning. Food. Shelter. Water. Safety. Those questions we have not had to ask about much here in the US, but very swiftly that seems to be changing.

With the shattering of my sense of invulnerability came a very long struggle to restore the sense of security I had prior to that. It has not come. Instead I have read increasingly worrisome information that gives me not peace but points me to a stronger conclusion that I have been right, that my sense of doom was not out of nowhere but based on a trajectory that began perhaps centuries ago but has escalated to not just a housing bubble bursting but others reaching their maximum as well, including a cultural bubble. In my search for debunking my thoughts, I ended up finding information that instead reinforced them. Each day I see unfolding more and more indicators that we are witnessing the collapse of this society as we have known it. I hope I am wrong, at least in the way that could create an enormous amount of suffering.

One blog I've been reading is by the author, Dmitry Orlov, who has studied the fall of society in Russia in the 1990's. His blog is called ClubOrlov. His conclusions about our current society's fate is based on what he knows about Russia's collapse, and of course we are in many ways quite different than they were then. It may be insufficient to compare us to what happened in Russia and Russia alone, since we have a completely different social system. I look out my window and see homes of neighbors who are quite comfortable keeping a wide berth around themselves, telephones and TVs going, church friends 7 days and 8 miles apart, but the reality of their environs, their neighbors, is not within their scope of communications or priorities. We are, by the nature of our communications and basis for our social fabric, much more at risk than Russians were in the 1990s for strife while we "adjust" to this economic climate. The observations he makes, while comparing even Paul Krugman's blog, seem to point to a very frightening and dismal outlook for our country at this time, and people seem very reluctant to speak of it or acknowledge it or prepare for it despite news rolling out daily of its profound implications for us all. We have become dependent on a system that is breaking down before our very eyes and quietly people remain in their own bubbles of denial until it directly effects them, it seems to me. When I studied psychology over 20 years ago, I learned of a phenomenon of perceived invulnerability that people like to keep in place to prevent themselves from feeling like a negative event could happen to them. Victim-blame it was called. Today it is the safety of the car and the couch perhaps?

Can communities come together and survive? Will helping out neighbors in trouble actually happen? It might happen for some, especially young adults who have resilience and have the physical capabilities of working hard and enduring uncomfortable elements. Even our local library has shut down community communications. Where there were bulletin boards covering the walls by the front doors are now acrylic-covered spaces reserved for messages paid for by commercial endeavors. I found this article among many others that describes how isolated Americans have become. How then, in a disaster, is the community to reach out to one another and form a functioning cooperative? We have become extraordinarily vulnerable, and most people are not staring at this reality in the face. We are trusting grocery stores to be stocked and that our dollar will buy said groceries, then retreating to our homes, numbing our awareness to our position.

What to do? I keep looking for answers to this question. I try not to panic but I have been at times. Buy rice. Not brown but white long grain (lasts longer). Real answers Orlov doesn't offer for individuals. He just spouts wider facts and observations and someone like me with two children and now only one dog and no pet birds who has been stripped of artistic inspiration, with a middle aged body and few connections is left not knowing how to proceed. Paradigm shifting. Crows are flying and landing in the trees around my home and perhaps, with every bailout dollar and plan for recovery, preparing to scavenge every last bit of wealth this country has except what a person can barter. How to proceed...

Saint Bernards for SBRF

2009-01-11T22:04:00.001-08:00

I haven't heard from Carol, but I am going ahead with this illustration because I told her I'd do it, and I need to tie up the obligations I've already put into place as a part of resolving my New Year's Resolutions. I spent some time on this today and have spent some in the past days too, trying to get a photo of Boris and Mika adapted so that they 're wearing party hats. I originally thought I'd try to do a woodblock print of them, but that seemed far too risky and involved for what this is - a volunteer project intended for printing up for people who want to gift a donation to the Rescue Foundation. Working on this today was good for me - it surprised me at how much stress I had built up about this project. It is not easy!

In which I find something to do in 2009 and wish everyone a Happy New Year.

2008-12-31T18:48:00.000-08:00

Resolutions are one of my favorite annual traditions. Amidst an existential crisis, what better thing to take on than creating a list of things to do other than to farm and sleep? Everything beyond that is gravy, and since we live in a society where we are not all farmers, I must find something else to do. So. I may take on a vegetable garden this year. It will have to be in the front yard, mainly to avoid heavy Saint Bernard feet and certain habits of any one of my individual roaming large pet birds in my yard. My neighbors may not appreciate a big square plot of garden in my front yard, so I may instead get creative about changing the planted area of our front yard to include vegetables. I wish myself luck with that.

Next: knitting. I have a few items on my to do list there, including a pair of socks for my niece that involve the knitting of bobbles of different colors. Should be a challenge. I also want to re-knit a vest for myself (I'm always cold), finish two different socks I started in 2008 for Dave, and maybe a scarf or two. I'm a sucker for color, so I'm looking forward to knitting something with Noro yarns.

Woodblock printing: bravely accept the nonsensical aspect of it and make some prints despite the fact that woodblock printing is not practical, that although it is not practical it is still a tradition that can evoke something within a person making it worthy of something, something refreshingly not digital but with a very present human behind the baren, unlike some forms of printmaking and/or creative expression. Hmm. So the plan is to at least a) print the heron blocks I carved about two months ago and b) begin some prints that are simply not profound conceptually in any way. Friendly prints. Yes, that will be my series for 2009 - the Friendly prints.

Finally, I will try to accept the challenge of creating something for Saint Bernard Rescue Foundation. They need a piece of work for greeting cards. May fall under the newly formed Friendly Prints category

Those are my personal resolutions. I have parental resolutions and housekeeping resolutions as well, but those I am going to refrain from listing here.

Happy New Year!

penguins on a mission

2008-12-19T23:09:00.001-08:00

It's been over a year since I last printed, so this was kind of a daring move to print my own Christmas cards. Well you see it was like this: I have a party I'm supposed to attend tomorrow night, although weather may postpone it. Said party will be attended by people I work with/for and I cannot afford to give everybody a Starbucks card, so in order to give a nice gift this translates to a handmade card and home made cookies. I carved the blocks several days ago, mixed up the cookie dough for half the cookies today, baked other cookies last night. You know, it wasn't so bad. The printing I mean. I used some Nishinouchi and some Shin Torinoko white, both from McClain's, and I actually managed to moisten the paper not too much, not too little, and the registration held too! Helps that the paper is small. I printed the red and black twice on each print, and only screwed up 4 with a total run of 22 finished prints. I'm pleased with it, no tears!

To finish these, I will trim and glue them to the front of some pre-cut standard cards I have, then stuff them into envelopes. Oh the days get so short this close to Christmas!

Maybe now I will be brave enough to print the heron blocks I carved a couple of months back.

carving out a better day.

2008-12-19T14:52:00.000-08:00

Christmas is definitely a nice thing. Being human is mysterious, but Christmas has come every year in my lifetime,; I know I can rely on it coming and have decided to try to make it as good as possible, especially for my kids. First thing: carve. I decided to try to make Christmas cards on behalf of the family. Besides, carving gave me something to do and it is an amazingly therapeutic activity.

I actually have a damp pack sitting in wait for the first printing session I've had in over a year. I admit that, as usual, I'm having some jitters about printing. Maybe I wouldn't be so nervous if I wasn't supposed to drive to Portland tomorrow for a work-related holiday party, cards made and cookies too, which are supposed to accompany said cards.

I've been knitting a lot for Christmas gifts, and this year we have a significant cold snap that has kept the schools closed an extra week. We live in the hills, and here in the West we are not set up with a system to accommodate even a little bit of ice, so we are disabled with a few days of a bit of snow; very unlike the midwest or the east, but they are set up to deal with these things because there, snow and ice are givens. Here our society has not budgeted for such things - cheaper to just shut down several activities for a few days than to finance something on a larger, more systemic scale. Meanwhile, the boys have enjoyed the snow:

And as boys will be boys, they decided to create a Calvin-inspired, morbid snowman:

Life is strange, infinite, chaotic, perhaps purposeless, but at least the boys find humor worthy and why not. Why not?

Considerations.

2008-12-02T18:31:00.000-08:00

I composed some preliminary work of paintings I thought I might try to take on although they are all quite hopeless in topic. I'm not sure that I'll carry any of them out, but here's a quick view of one I worked on for a few nights, that is before I saw my dad at the foster care home. He knew my name, but could only breathe it out for a minute, registered my presence for only short periods of time, then his awareness of my presence was completely gone, although his eyes were open. The calendar on the wall, the clock, the emptiness - it was all so horrid, so tragic and unbearable for me. I sobbed while I wrote out the rent check, but seeing old people die is nothing for the caregivers. Facing death is really hard for me. My neighbor is a very committed Christian and I have found some of her words comforting, her kindness, mostly. I wish I could believe that man has no power over the world and feel just fine about that, accept it as a fact. My neighbor says she finds hope by focusing on working toward the principles she believes in, and those we share: kindness, goodness, generosity, the basic good that we believe is a part of us instead of an approach I really can't fathom, as in the actions of the terrorists and this time what they have done in India.

For now instead of investing my time into actually creating paintings of the despair about the issues facing humanity that I see, I am sharing what I have done in digital sketches:
First was after experiencing the election and hearing extensive discussion about race in the US, all while I was thinking about women's position too.

Next is from a sketch I made from a quick view I saw going over an overpass. I was thinking about the energy issue and how many people there are and the intrusive infrastructure we have created that is so foreign to the land that exists underneath, not to mention how much we depend on oil. It used to be all wild not so long ago, no I-5.

Last is not a great looking sight, but it illustrates my despondency about the explosion of the human population and the resulting scarcity of food and water.

Pretty dismal point of view, I know. But there is an artist whose work I really like, whose work is compelling and not disturbing or horrifying or depressing, just a gentle kind adventure that doesn't tear my soul to bits. It's Lynita Shimizu's work. I'm going to rest there and I think I'll be trying to take on the piece I told my friend at Saint Bernard Rescue Foundation I'd do for them.

A beautiful fall day.

2008-11-13T21:26:00.000-08:00

Now that it is deep into fall, sunny days are particularly rare and appreciated. Today was one of those days. I looked out and saw this leaf positively glowing in my yard, so I grabbed my camera for a photo. I went in for a closer look, a photo, turned and saw the stones of our walkway laced with moss:

I know a lot of people don't really appreciate moss in their grass, on their roofs or between the rocks on their paths, but I think it's kind of beautiful. Moss has an admirable ability to find fuel for life in areas where nothing else has much opportunity to grow.

I've been finishing the socks for my friend Sakurako. I tried them on her tonight, and I have just about one solid day of knitting left on them before they're done, but that will have to wait. I have a meeting in Portland on Saturday, work related, and I must gear up for that. Which means I won't be printing as soon as I expected to be. I've been committing myself too easily to projects that aren't within the parameters of what I claim I want to be doing. I open my mouth and am full of optimism for what I think I can do, but in reality my plans require about three of me. And for another thing, I have two kids, one of whom is homeschooled, two Saint Bernards, three cats and six large pet birds that stroll around my yard each day. Too many animals!

inspiring shot in the arm

2008-11-11T17:05:00.000-08:00

Because today is a holiday, my oldest son has no school. I agreed to drive him to Portland to spend time with his two buddies who also love computer programming and collaborate on projects together with him. The forecast said it would be mighty rainy, so although I thought I'd take Cyrus for a (free today) stroll through the Japanese Gardens not too far from where we'd be, I thought instead we'd go to the Portland Art Museum and/or the Contemporary Crafts Gallery, now called the Museum of Contemporary Craft. It has moved since I was last there, which was before my son Noah was born, maybe in 1993. I was throwing pots at the time and working as a ceramics lab assistant at Portland Community College under Wally Schwab, an accomplished potter trained at Alfred. Wally was well acquainted with a fairly well-known couple who produced pottery together out of their studio in northern California, Otto and Viveka Heino. They made huge vessels, and we went to their reception and open house. Dave (my husband) became famous that day because he got his photo in The Oregonian, paper cup in hand. Anyway...

So Cyrus and I headed first to the Crafts Museum, or so we thought we were going to do, but unfortunately, Cy got sick in the car. Fortunately though, he had nylon pants on and fortunately, my car has plasticized rubber flooring and fortunately, I used to live in that area of Portland so I remembered where the store was to get some paper towels and moist wipes. He was fine once all was cleaned up, although my car doesn't smell very good right now. No regurgitation would get in our way, so off we went to the Craft Museum. While walking to the museum, we passed a couple of galleries, and stopped at one, the Augen Gallery, which had some very engaging paintings by Jef Gunn visible from the sidewalk. The site doesn't quite convey the energy of his work or some of the nuance and depth that's more apparent in person. Cy and I had a great time looking at the work. There were even some big-name pieces there by Chuck Close, Frank Stella, Picasso and Miro. Great experience for both of us. Then we went on to the Craft Museum, where all things were colorful and alive with fun! The sculpture exhibition there was fantastic - there is a dedicated site for it here. Who would think to make a closed vessel made of scotch tape? Or melt a bunch of plastic toy soldiers into the shape of a low bowl? Cy was mesmerized by the sights, and particularly liked the sculpture made of hair combs. Very, very exciting. We wrapped up our Portland adventure by stopping by Knit/Purl. I bought a skein of lovely cashmere and silk yarn for a Christmas gift I plan to make for my sister, then we went on to pick up my oldest son and drove back home to Salem. It was an invigorating trip, such a breath of fresh air, and I had no idea how parched my mind had become being away from the cultural center that Portland is. I miss it for that.

Heron block progress

2008-11-05T15:47:00.001-08:00

To contend with election night jitters, I found myself carving with fury. There are parts of this block that have intimidated me but I took a breath and just accepted the time it will take to address the minutia that this piece requires. Every piece, actually. Birds are of course great symbols of freedom, so working on this last night was somewhat therapeutic for me. And while I was afraid to hope my candidate would actually win this race, (he did) because for the past 8 years my candidate did not win, I also felt keenly a personal fight for freedom that I have been involved in on behalf of my oldest son. Sometimes bureaucracy can hurt children in the name of helping them, and I've been torn up about the situation. Carving can be very cathartic.

There is only one other block besides this one, so I should be moving relatively soon toward printing, something I have not done in about a year.

early evening on the road

2008-10-29T18:08:00.001-07:00

I've been fixated on some views from I-5, reinforced by a multitude of trips north to Portland. Usually I did not have my camera in tow, but the impact of the moments that tended to repeat themselves remain etched in my psyche; in particular, the constructions of humans and how they dominate the landscape along the I-5 corridor I traveled. I have a few more persistent sights in my mind that I plan to carry out somehow, although I'm not sure how or when...

Yesterday my package from McClain's arrived with a few more boards and the much prized and missed honing compound. Yeah! Carving time tonight, for sure!

A new day!

2008-10-27T14:18:00.000-07:00

I started carving last week, a simple 2-block woodblock print. The bad news is that I have misplaced my honing compound, so I cannot sharpen my knives until the new stuff comes or the old turns up. Should only be a day or two though, as McClain's is just up the road a ways.

Since I have to wait, and because it has been on my mind, I decided to pull out an old painting I worked on but did not finish in 2006. I spent some time with my son Cy teaching him about painting today, and while he worked on his, I worked on mine again too:

Painting is an astonishingly peaceful activity. At least it can be, but for me some of this painting became so frustrating and there were decisions to be made that overwhelmed me, so I just set it aside until I felt ready to work on it again. Two years later, I'm ready for it, enjoyed it and will paint some more, for sure!

Heron

2008-10-08T12:35:00.001-07:00

Last evening I was north again, picking up and doing paperwork for my current job. There is a beautiful pond nearby, a wetlands refuge that is the home for several birds. I have parked next to this pond (okay Cyrus says it's a lake) through the summer at times, snacking on a bit of food from a nearby strip mall before my drive back south. Last night Cy really needed some food, so we grabbed some Asian fare and parked in the empty lot to watch the birds at dusk. I turned off the motor and saw to my great delight this beautiful blue heron, just a few feet away. It stood quietly and peacefully for a good while before it had enough of me snapping photos of it. I wish I had a stronger lens, but I'm grateful to have been there at all.

This pond is very close to where I work when I drive north. As I sat there enjoying some food and enjoying the view, it felt symbolic that I witness this stunning sight at dusk this time, what with the days becoming so much shorter. It is change time. My boss and friend is interviewing 3 people today in an effort to find someone to replace me. I have mixed feelings of guilt, worry, relief and excitement. Change of a certain type is inevitable though, we all know that.

Making my way back.

2008-10-04T16:33:00.001-07:00

To begin this renewed turn of my life, I sought some oxygen to give me strength. In that vein, the other day Cyrus and I went out to the Ankeny Wildlife Refuge near my home. It was a beautiful afternoon and although we could only view a few birds from the viewing areas, it was inspiring nonetheless. The wetlands are dry in many places right now, but still there were a few of my favorites out there - egrets and herons. I so love the birds. Love them so much that I decided to make my first return to woodblock about them. To me, birds are sacred creatures and getting to know them personally over the past few years has been an honor. I now have 6 in my family, and it's been a delight to come to understand them. The egrets and the herons though, they always take my breath away when I see them in the wild. Yesterday I even saw a great blue heron as I left Portland, car carrying another plastic case filled with paperwork I will soon leave behind. That bird was standing in a large patch of manicured grass at the junction of I-205 and I-5. It's such a hopeful sight to me when I see wildlife survive among the structures of human dominance. So just for pleasure and in the name of hope, I've begun work toward a new print:

All I can do is try.

I finished the Obstacles shawl! Cy loves it. I made it for me, actually, but he has taken a liking to it, especially to ward off the inevitable morning chill.

180º

2008-09-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

I really needed that break, I really did. This period of reflection has been absolutely necessary for me to survive because mentally I've not been doing well. I've been called a Square Peg more than once in my life, and through this time of reflection I've realized that once again that is the problem. I am undergoing a personal restructuring of my priorities and life and will be coming back to this blog very shortly with a renewed permission to view and enjoy and experience things as I see fit, with no requirement to address things in such a way that it asks me to be critical of everything I do or what humanity does at all times. That attitude is just crippling for me. Nope, I have felt a turn, taken a sip from a goblet of hope that will maybe give me just the permission I need to enjoy this life as I have it. I am not an ambassador, a 24/7 caregiver, or a grunt piece to enable someone else's dream to come true. I was raised with the belief that I am entitled to live my own dream while remaining true to my personal responsibilities.

More to come and soon, I'm glad to say.

Taking a break

2008-09-16T14:53:00.001-07:00

I'm needing to step away from this public blogging thing for a bit. Meanwhile I'm working, caring for my family and home and reflecting on the necessity of an artist's voice in the massive sea of this civilization. How much of what we are driven to share as artists, is really just another iteration of a person's desire for fame and attention? Just thinking about these things. I've put my camera away for a while, my knives have been set aside for over a year now in woodblock printing, and I'm just reflecting about things on a personal level. I'm knitting, and thinking just, you know... thinking about things.

Well did anybody else cry?

2008-08-29T00:49:00.001-07:00

I cried. Knit. Then donated a little money. If I can buy a luxury skein of yarn then why can't I help Obama. So I won't buy yarn but I'll hope for Obama because I want something good, something different for my kids not to mention the world, than what I've been witnessing the last 8 years. I have neighbors that voted for Bush twice. A brother. How it could happen frightens me deeply. I could not help them see, but maybe Obama can? Can they see hope and despair now? I just threw $25 toward hope. I'll work again tomorrow, then maybe do it again. I don't think I can bring myself to watch the Republican convention, and I know it was all preaching to the choir here in a way, but I watched it just the same. I haven't felt such hope in my lifetime as a voter. Maybe my $25 will fight the swift-boat dust storm creators and disarm them. I don't know. But I cried tonight for the Republicans who are choosing Obama this time. For the end of the tax relief for the wealthy and for the end of the empty concept of trickle-down. For the end of policy protecting the greedy who are draining everything our forefathers and mothers worked for to help make companies successful in the first place. For gay people needing assurances for a good life with the same protections the rest of us have the chance to get. For all the things he said. For my kids.

And I knit Dave's sock. The So Square sock.

s'up.

2008-08-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

It gets this way sometimes. I have been busy with my job and learning a new skill for it, which is good but sometimes exhausting when I am pulled away. I saw my sister and helped her a bit with the state of her life by sorting, boxing, listing, donating. But meanwhile my hands and feet are going numb, as are my legs and arms but just a little, but the feet are hurting along with it and I'm trying not to freak out. No sense visiting the quack for the inevitable expensive shrug and scorn. It's hard to face our finiteness. And not that it helps matters but I've been watching Bill Moyer's Journal from time to time. That can be a downer but a reality check, just like driving to Portland is for me when I must maneuver through the traffic and at the gas station see hundreds of other humans like me with their vehicles sucking in the precious addiction substance called gasoline. I am really baffled by us humans. We just don't really fit with the rest of the life forms on this planet, do we.

When all else fails, knit.

So I did, and then I failed at that. Final effort I made, sock #4 trying to make a version of the "Sparrow" sock from Noro Joy, by Jane Ellison. I used the Noro Kureyon sock. I ended up with #0 needles, although the pattern calls for #2, to get gauge. I picked up 20 instead of the 22 stitches as written along the heel. And yet, and yet the pattern still does not work. There is too much fabric along the arch of the foot. I. HATE to give up but i. give. up. I hate to give up. Sorry Cherry Blossom. Sorry.

Wellness.

2008-08-09T17:59:00.000-07:00

It's not like wellness is a static thing, a thing to purchase or a finite state to achieve. It's like happiness. It's there when it's there and you're glad for it and try not to freak out that it's going to leave you and you don't know when. Lately I have not been well though and I admit that it makes me mad (what a surprise). I've been coughing and wheezing for a few weeks now, wondering if I have asthma. I've been nailed with several disabling migraines despite my prevention medication and the Big Gun of Maxalt. Maybe it's the heat? Naw, it hasn't been that hot. Maybe it's the stress? Could be. The boys talk non-stop. Unless you've lived it, you cannot know. Then there are the trips to Portland. Not a big deal really, except for some reason they seem like they are to me. Yesterday I took my youngest along with me, stopped at Uwajimaya for a bite to eat & to purchase a nice bottle of つゆ but realized at the check-out counter I had completely forgotten my debit card & left it at home, next to the stove. Anywya, last night I smelled a weird industrial smell and awoke this morning with swollen sinuses and a migraine. By 4 this afternoon I felt well enough to leave the house and while driving away from our little street I could see that my next door neighbor, who has been sawing and pounding things on the weekends for a while, finished his deck railing. It's all painted and tidy, but *ding* that is what I smelled last night. The drying paint. Solvents and stuff like paint will for sure give me a headache.

So today after heading out for a necessary work-related errand, I stopped at the health food store in town with my boys in tow. I'm thinking short-term gains here. Like making tofu burgers or some vegetarian lasagne. Doesn't that sound good? It's so immediate. Nobody will look over my shoulder to inspect my work, there are no social ramifications surrounding the caliber of my workmanship because it will be a personal meal. How refreshing. A nice change from enduring the cryptic ways of humans, whose motivations can so often be confounded.

So lately I've been thinking about fame, about the usual existential crisis, about why people would go to their 30th high school reunion (mine is tonight and NO I am not going), and about how nice it is to simply make something without strings of desire for acknowledgment attached. You know, just a crazy thing for the yard. Maybe some tile on the front porch. Doesn't need publishing, no grand statement. In 200 years, we will all be so dead and gone, if there any humans left we will just be regarded as an "era" rather than any one individual gaining notoriety. Oh maybe Bush, but that kind of notoriety most of us would not want. Artists of long ago were statistically more significant because of the total human population. Most people that will effect us now are either politicians or scientists, maybe tech-gurus. IMHO.

early evening by the park 2

2008-08-05T23:54:00.003-07:00

early evening by the park 1

2008-08-05T23:54:00.001-07:00

straw and a butt

2008-08-04T02:38:00.001-07:00

What to do after church

2008-08-04T00:18:00.001-07:00

Look closely now, check out this kid's sign. I didn't go to church today (I don't "do" church), and I have a hunch maybe he didn't go to one either. At least not one people think of when they read the word, "church".

invisible mothers.

2008-07-31T23:42:00.000-07:00

After the kids are no longer toddlers, seems to me that a lot of people credit a kids' success to their inherent greatness (natural parental pride) or due to their father or teacher's influence (arrogant credit) and the mom is dishes and carpet cleaning material. If the kid is troubled, then perhaps the mother is visible again. Exception here: Thomas Edison. Homeschooled genius boy whose teacher said he was "unteachable". Probably true if the teacher was like any of the typical ones in schools around here. Thomas Edison's mom yanked him out of the claws of an arrogant mediocre teacher and allowed her kid to become as great as he could be by teaching him at home. Homeschoolers like me love Thomas Edison's educational journey, as it is affirming to us that we aren't completely insane and overprotective. Anyway...

I thought of this just now because I was off reading a bio of Andy Goldsworthy who is a famous guy now, close in age to me and his work came to mind as I was mulling over John Pfahl's work. So many visions through the eyes of men. Anyway, I got on to that linked page there on Wikipedia and to say I felt like I had been pants'd and peeved at the entry there on that guy would be an understatement. It reads that he is "The son of F. Allin Goldsworthy (1929–2001), former professor of applied mathematics at the University of Leeds." Absent is the fact that F. Allin Goldsworthy has miraculously mastered the ability to bear children, kind of like one of those all-in-one printer/scanner/photocopier machines. Wow. Not only is he a mathematician with prestige and clout, he made a baby sans the assistance of a woman. Miraculous.

wetlands next to human industry

2008-07-31T13:31:00.003-07:00

rain droplets

2008-07-31T13:31:00.001-07:00

resourceful heron

2008-07-31T13:30:00.001-07:00

what'cha doin

2008-07-29T13:29:00.001-07:00

Just thinking.

2008-07-25T23:55:00.000-07:00

Eons ago, when I was studying at the school of Art & Architecture in Chicago, I was lucky enough to attend a brown-bag seminar given by photographer John Pfahl. His work came to mind the other day when I'd been thinking about photography again and I was remembering an exercise we did in Photography in college doing paired pictures. John Pfahl had just finished his series called "altered landscapes." I loved it and what a privilege to find it online. See, just now I went to his site and found he's been busy all these years and still has plenty to offer a sideways mind like mine. I particularly like his series, "extreme horticulture" (oh what a heavy hand us humans can attempt to have!) and "missile/glyphs". "Power Places" is really good, too. Back when I did 35mm work, it was a two-pronged artistry. Still is, but different. There is the shooting, then there was the dark room dedication and a lot of sacrifice of time, paper and film, not to mention money to get things right and really work in a print. I loved it, staying in the darkroom until the wee hours, then riding the El back to Evanston, although those wee hours were a bit risky. I tried to mask my gait and look like a guy in the dark. I dunno. Just been thinking about pictures lately. Kind of refreshing not to have flashy things to say, huh. I think so.

escape, enslaved.

2008-07-22T01:49:00.001-07:00

A night alone

2008-07-19T17:10:00.001-07:00

Okay so it's been a bit of a tight week. What can I say. I'm a middle aged woman feeling the effects of her biology and circumstances. Wisely, my husband removed himself and my children for the weekend from our house, per my request. Good move. I find I need alone time in my own space to think and organize and get a few things done, but when there is constant companionship, it gets a bit... well... interpersonally claustrophobic.

I took advantage of the time alone to write up a juicy list of all I hoped to get done and I'm proud to say I got through most of the list. I finished my socks! See?

They aren't perfect, but they're DONE. And naturally, I wasted no time casting on another pair:

These will eventually become my version of the "Spring Forward" sock from Knitty. I MAY even dig around for my Addi Turbo sizes 8 and 9 and begin swatching for Martha, although I'm not sure if I'll get to it. There always seems to be more to do than I have energy for. I did get a ratty old desk Noah used to use out of here. Got it all cleaned up, carried it out to my car and everything, ready to donate to Goodwill but even they wouldn't take it. Now I have this beast in my car and I have to go to the dump and pay their fee. Dang that's a skein of yarn. Maybe I'll wait until my husband isn't home, a weekday when nobody is around & smash the thing up & stuff it into the trash bin, bit by bit, as though I'm hiding some kind of crime evidence.

I finally made it to the gym & found a female employee who would help me. I must say that Corey appeared to have his head in a very dark place. When I arrived he looked at me, stared off and behaved like some kind of whitey boy gang member wanna be, too cool to acknowledge his mama in the grocery store, me being that mama in this case. I told the young woman that the professionalism of the place really stunk especially since I just plunked down some dough and it promptly sat in their bank account with no accountability to me and previous to then nobody even had the decency to offer to show me around the place. The good part of it though is that everybody who can afford the nicer gym nearby that has a pool, which is also farther away from here, is already going there and they can crowd it all up and be proud of their status of getting to go there, congratulate each other on whatever it is they want to brag about. I will have a nice slate-tiled locker room with tons of room to myself for the most part. I can't imagine it's always that empty of females, but I have a hunch the numbers are pretty low, what with Corey at the helm. But there were 3 really overweight guys in there trying to work off their load and I really respect them for being there. It made me happy that the place wasn't filled with buff roosters everywhere, although maybe the lack of such was the cause of Corey's state of mind, I dunno.

I've been thinking a lot about what has been making me feel so miserable about my life and I have a little list going now, one of which is that I am fundamentally a creative person (not saying it's "good" to anyone, just that a drive to do it is inherent) and I haven't had much in the way of opportunity to exercise that for most of the past year. I stepped into a little local gallery a few days ago and it was wonderful to discuss a little art with the owner. I'm at a place too where my understanding of what the visual expression (in this instance) is about is not necessarily good or bad, just an expression and it can be valid however deep or shallow it may seem. I'm getting to love the non-verbal again and frankly, this past year of working for the lab in many ways in areas of office type work has been so dry it's actually help accentuate the contrast enough for me to see what's wrong. So........ Now I must put together a plan for a remedy. I must or my entire family will pay with misery, and that's no way to live if you don't have to. I also have too many needy creatures around and in response to that realization, I called my brother-in-law and begged him to take my cat Roscoe:

He's the one who was hit by a car a year and a half ago, the one who dragged himself back home soaking wet after 3 days and who I had to give subcutaneous fluids to to help him survive and mixed up food-soup for him FOR A MONTH while he healed. His pelvis was broken in 3 places and he's still quite gimpy, but he's become such a bucket of need, wiping himself all over my legs because he wants his food fluffed up or some such thing, standing on the roof over my window and yelling into my room as I work, that sort of thing. And it's not like I don't give him attention. But Zeke, Zeke needs a cat. He has no woman, has no kids around, doesn't work, lives in a trailer with no responsibilities except his pet goat, and he does like to dote over a cat. In my desperation, I called, begged and he accepted. They've bonded now, so I'm told, and it's been 24 hours. There is hope. Now I only have THREE cats, two Saint Bernards, two boys and five chickens and a husband.

These are my confessions...

2008-07-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

That Weird Al Yancovic song is really going around in my head.

a) I've been bitter and angry.
b) I'm PMS'ing in a big way.
c) Instead of working like a dog I'm working like a cat - pouncing and then lounging around in the grass (okay knitting).
d) Corey my "personal trainer" (yeah right) called an hour and a half before our appointed first meeting and rescheduled to Friday.
e) I bought another rug. That makes two rug purchases in two weeks. I did get a deal though. The first one is a really nice wool rug on sale at Crate & Barrel. I'm supposed to pick it up tonight. The second I spotted on Craigslist. It's impeccable and a nice 6x9 Karastan traditional. Now I have hope for the room I've designated "The Library" to come to fruition. Unfortunately the room still stinks from when my dad was living in there. Where that's coming from, I don't know. Both the carpet and mattress have been taken to the dump. My friend Judy buys couches. Used to buy pans. I buy rugs now. Rugs and yarn.
f) My yard is a major pit.
g) I haven't even started my Martha sweater. Oh but I want to.
h) I can't stand it that the Marina sweater isn't done.
i) My house is in complete shambles.

I've repainted two rooms and am trading rooms with one of my sons, so my youngest and I will share a room. Noah gets a blue room with electric green accents.

I'm so grateful to get the larger room. Noah had it when the boys shared a room, but then my younger son moved to the living room with me, took over the couch and I've been sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Oy it will be so nice to not have to move that every day or pay with a Saint Bernard lying all over it or guests staring at my bed or somebody leaving their dinner plate where my pillow would be. Not a great situation. The bigger room can also accommodate my work stuff. That other room is so small, I can't believe I had all my stuff (except my bed) crammed in there. No wonder it was a hopeless mess. Of course that which is defined as "my stuff" includes all the boys' artwork, family paper work, half my dad's care correspondence, all mending and everything that my husband would normally have out in the garage on his workbench. You know, like hobby things including MY YARN STASH and a boat load of books, all my woodblock printing supplies, also my computer and work surface for my job. Meanwhile, I am leaving town for the day to haul my older son up to his programming class in the Portland metro area and to stop by the lab I work for. I sure wish there were 48 hours to each day.

On a happy note, when I'm waiting in the parking lot while my son takes his class for 3 hours this evening, I have hope to maybe get to the toe of my 2nd Child's First Sock. I'm on the heel now of the 2nd sock, so there's that:

If I get tired of that, I'll fire up my laptop and work on my web development skills. I hate being middle aged sometimes. Nailed with a lot of responsibilities, material demands and expectations of living in the 21st century which includes learning tons, more than a brain can accommodate. So I'll listen to a few podcasts to increase my Japanese skills during my hour drive up and back.

あくせんくとうする (in my clumsy American way, I'm trying to say that I am struggling with my mental challenges...)

Garden eye candy.

2008-07-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

Also, the boys had some fun with fireworks. I used to love fireworks but these days I'm too old, afraid and sensitive to enjoy much of it. I do like these though:

She doesn't like orange.

2008-07-05T19:34:00.000-07:00

Isn't that a great happy party-like color? I mean how could a person not feel like an energized chunk of goodness and happiness when they see that skein? Okay maybe my niece will not. I bought two skeins of this lovely yarn from Knit/Purl fully thinking that she would love it but four inches into the leg and I find out her LEAST FAVORITE color on the planet is orange. Okay okay. I can take it. The redeeming thing here is that I like orange and peach and burgundy and my gauge always seems to be big. In other words, this sock is going to fit me and would probably have been too big for my 10-year-old niece anyway. I even reduced the pattern by 8 stitches around, thinking it would accommodate her petite self. Oy I am a loose knitter.

On a different note, we drove down to my FIL's yesterday. I snapped a few pictures for fun and stuck my head in my knit sticks. Lots of male energy and endless chatter on the part of them all. I finally made my BIL look at my newest book acquisition, Knitting Vintage Socks. He said the mouse problem they're having would make any hand-knit woolen a pretty vulnerable item. He's wanting to adopt a cat. I told him I have four and he could take his pick...

Here are a few photos from the trip:

Grandpa Don's truck bed:

Uncle Zeke's cabin:

Some daisies on the roadside I spotted when I was driving home:

Whew!

2008-07-03T22:21:00.001-07:00

I misplaced my camera and it was missing for several days. Today my alarm regarding this problem reached a fevered pitch. Combined with a LOT of driving and traffic congestion and time issues, I was a bit stressed out BUT... the good news of the recovery of my camera came rushing into my psyche as I discovered the smooth black bag wedged between the wall and my hall seat. Nice and cool, safe as a cuke in the fridge. No freaky person stepped into my house and stole it. Nobody opened the back of my car and took it unbeknownst to me because somehow I might have forgotten it and left it in my car and Dave must have not locked it on some outing.

I did some knitting today. Made it up to Knit/Purl in Portland twice now and purchased some really nice Koigu yarn color #602 specifically for my precious niece who just turned 10. I KNOW I promised myself not to pick up any new projects but when things are the craziest, I pick up new projects. It soothes me. So sue me.

Now that my camera is found, I'm going to start snapping some pictures. It's been a long time since I've felt compelled to photograph much of anything other than documenting oddball things around the house but I'm feeling inspired in the texture department again. I do love texture.

Lovely long days.

2008-06-29T21:12:00.001-07:00

I love the long days of June. I really do. Now that I'm middle-aged, I have circulation issues in my hands and feet, so winter is not my best friend. But right this minute? I'm barefoot. My hands are warm and the air is moving around, fresh air right in from the windows with a hint of spent-fireworks smell from the whistlers the neighbor boy is setting off in anticipation of Independence Day. The temp reached around 90 today, too hot to hang around outside much but still, it was lovely. Yesterday it reached 101, so I was thankful for the air conditioner. That makes two things to add to my list:

• Long summer days
• Our air conditioner

My sister and her partner gave the AC to us 10 years ago when my youngest son was born. It was 100 that entire week in July that year. Boy was I thankful for it then, too.

I haven't been knitting as much. Some, but not as much by a long shot. I have been working quite a bit on our house and for my job. One evening a few days ago though I sat around with the family and played the board game, Catan. It was pretty fun and the boys became ferociously competitive, naturally. While they vied for the card that gave them the title (and subsequent points) for the most warriors and what not, I quietly acquired land and houses and just before they came to blows, I won the game. Whew!

Another gratefulness item:

• board games

Stay cool.

Engrish!

2008-06-25T00:53:00.000-07:00

About a year ago at our house we discovered some very funny stuff called Engrish. Engrish is usually signage of some sort spotted in China or Japan and it's hilariously garbled. I certainly know of several gaffs I myself have made in Japanese, so reading Engrish makes me laugh super hard! Anyway, I've been visiting this blog and just this evening discovered the Engrish category of posts. And in the name of humility, might I just say that I have called myself a Japanese term that came very close to meaning "lazy" and thought, accidentally, that my friend wrote a thank-you note telling me to clean my nose when in fact she was telling me that the flowers I gave her were beautiful...

One in billions.

2008-06-20T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'm coming to terms with that. I'm coming to terms with the drive to "say" anything, that my views whether through a camera lens or through my mind are simply a grain of sand. It's easy, I suppose to think in a more myopic manner, to believe that one's point of view has some kind of importance in the larger scheme of things. I see it all the time when I read posts of swingin' knitters, political pundits and what not. But lately I'm more in the way of enduring and attempting to appreciate, rather than trying to generate communication. Maybe it's a symptom of my immediate environment, which includes animals who need a lot of maintenance, a husband who isn't interested in much of anything beyond himself and the kids, same. I've come to believe that virtually everything has been seen or read or thought of before, so my position is to enjoy what does come before me if I can.

Today I'm thankful for:

Garbage Service

My washing machine.

2008-06-18T02:35:00.000-07:00

I'm thankful for:

1. My washer
2. My dryer.
3. My mattress.

I was sleeping on the floor for a while.

There. Three things. I'm PMS'ing and I've had a bad night with the Marina vest. I came sooooOOo close to finishing but it's just frickin' huge on me. I have to take the entire thing out and I'm trying not to be too upset but it is just huge. Even after I took it off and shortened the shoulders and everything. I'm going to go to sleep now, as I spent a good portion of my evening knitting with great anticipation of being finished. Yes I tried it on numerous times before now but now the edges are finished and it's just. Not. Right. I will rip it all out after I spend some time analyzing what needs to be changed and customize the pattern so it isn't so irritatingly huge. I will also knit it differently than the pattern calls for to bypass that awkward shoulder seam thing. I think it's my inexperience.

The day is just too short. My boys have been running around yammering about the new software, "Spore" and its release of the creature creator. The full version of the game should be released in September and of course we'll get it then.

I have so many ideas of stuff I want to make and do. I can't do it all in a 24 hour day. I either have times like this, inspired to do a ton and have little opportunity to do it all in, or feel flattened in winter with no energy. It will work out, sure it will.

Rrrrrrip.

Marina in progress

2008-06-16T12:50:00.001-07:00

Here it is after following directions the best I could, about 90% finished. The armholes are too big and the neckline is so low it goes below where a normal woman would ever wear it. I also had a devil of a time sewing up the shoulders. I'm now in the process of taking out the shoulder seams and ripping down about an inch on front and back for length. Once it's about right, I'll then go back and add the edge detail around the front & neck.

Fun quiz I found:

2008-06-11T12:38:00.000-07:00

I saw this new sock pattern on Knitty.com called, Spring Forward and it just so happens I have the yarn to make those... I would like to! But first I am finishing up my Noro Taiyo vest. It's been really a nice knit, quick results and I'm probably 80% of the way finished now. Anyway the designer of those socks has a link on her blog for this little quiz about color & personality. I guess it's just a little fun because it's not like it changes you, but it does make a person feel less alone, especially when it's true. Here's the link. And here are my results:

you are darkslategray
#2F4F4F

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well.

Your saturation level is lower than average - You don't stress out over things and don't understand people who do. Finishing projects may sometimes be a challenge, but you schedule time as you see fit and the important things all happen in the end, even if not everyone sees your grand master plan.

Your outlook on life is dark. You're generally a pessimist and everyone knows it; you're the one the come to when they don't want the sunshine blown around, they just want to straight truth. You can miss good things in life if you make up your mind too early though.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Things I'm thankful for today:

1. Maxalt.
I awoke with a migraine today that could have ruined my day, but instead I am quiet and staying mellow while the drug works its magic. It really is a miracle drug, especially for someone like me who gets so many migraines and it has restored a sense of a normal life for me. And no, there was no alcohol consumed to spur on the migraine this time...

2. The Deli at the Grocery Store.
Today the boys have a pot-luck gathering for their Japanese class, and I know I would just shrivel if I had to offer up something I had actually made. I ordered a large platter of fruit from the deli. Wah-lah. Something healthy, not necessarily American and ego-protecting, not to mention time saving. It is a major luxury for a reasonable price.

3. Coffee.
I love my coffee with cream.

Yesterday I went to Borders up in Lake Oswego, just to spend some time out of my usual track. I really enjoyed just poking around & browsing without voices demanding that I see what they are looking at, let's go and all that. I got to peruse the magazines and found one that gave me great hope about our kitchen dilemma. It was in Fine Woodworking in a special issue (I think) about kitchens and the innovative guy who did up his own kitchen actually used the rubber surfacing used on playgrounds around climbing equipment for his cabinetry. He said he has busy kids and they worried about sharp corners. It looked great and surely would hide every smudge. I wouldn't use it myself, but the innovative thinking gave me great hope regarding our dishwasher problem. Dave managed to get the thing attached well so he is hired to be Dishwasher Man whenever he is home. When he is away, if it sprays I will hand-wash. Meanwhile I will keep my eye out for more eclectic solutions and not freak that we must dish out thousands for a more conventional solution. We will, however, be doing a tile countertop with great big tiles someday soon, and replace the sink.

No pics today. I'll get one of my Marina vest soon though, as I am almost done with that.

JUNE!

2008-06-06T21:57:00.001-07:00

I've got big goals for June. For the most part I just want to work on my knitting as I can (no new projects - too many solo socks and nearly-done items) and try to focus on things I'm thankful for, attempting to list at least 3 things I'm thankful for at minimum once a week. Tonight I am thankful for:

1. Hot water
2. My car
3. My house
4. The fact that my husband has a job and can support us.
5. My own job.

Those are big things, but I am very grateful for them.

This picture shows a point of frustration for me though. I think of water as sacred and hot water in particular, since it is two basic things: energy to heat it and the water supply itself. So when my dishwasher, which is a portable job, is not connecting well to the faucet (as it is wont to do) I get pretty frustrated. I spent a long time trying to get this thing to connect properly last wash and again tonight. I tried to catch at least some of the hot water but the waste just horrifies me. I am ready now for a new solution.

Elephant sock.

2008-05-31T21:18:00.001-07:00

How's this for a bit of a guffaw? I spent soooo much time on this but laughed anyway because it looks so ridiculous! I decided to keep it to show my friend Cherry Blossom and knit up a third sock (I unraveled the first - way way off, even more than this one). We did a fitting on Wednesday with the updated heel and it fit her much better. I have this pic I took before I made it around the heel:

We laughed so hard we nearly cried and I put the big sock around a vase on the table near where we sit during Japanese class while unsuspecting church people walked by. It was good to have something funny because Cherry Blossom lost her mother-in-law two weeks ago in a tragic accident and I brought her a condolence card & some lilies.

I'm also working on my "Marina" pattern using my Noro Taiyo yarn. Mmmm such a pleasure to work with and such quick results for creating fabric per stitch than a sock-sized stitch. I'm hoping to have it finished in a couple of weeks, but whatever. I'm going to enjoy the process. Here's a pic of what I have so far on the back:

And finally, just for kicks I have a couple of garden pictures. The first is a pic of a blossom from my razzleberry bush. The blossoms are nice but the bush looks like garbage, so I only took a picture of the good part:

And second is a picture of a blossom of thyme or something like that we have growing in the front rock garden. It gets pretty rangy.

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T13:26:00.001-07:00

I've been living my life humbly over the last several days since my last post. Who am I to think this is a good place to say what I think. I'm just a human among millions and millions, and really, I am thinking my focus on caring for my children and living my day here in Oregon is maybe a better way for me to think than to stay in CyberVille, as though I have a relationship with it. I have one relationship through cyberspace that is a real one, everything else is just a kind of controlled TV fare or reading the news. I do like getting my information so freely. That is a luxury. And it is these luxuries that this day brings to mind for me.

I watched a presentation this morning on MSNBC about Iraq veterans. One guy had been a sniper for the marines there and had astonishing things to say and insights about life here and there. He was 22 in the story and had already served & came back skinny and exhausted. Here, in this country he said, killing one person would be considered a crime that could give you life in prison. There he deliberately killed hundreds. Aimed and fired and hit. And what he said is that it came to where if it were a man, he'd hoped the guy had remembered to say he loved his child before he left home that day; that kind of thing. My dad is a veteran and I'm afraid to go see him. He's in such awful shape that it tears me up and I don't have the strength to do what I'm supposed to do and yet endure seeing him that way. He fought in WWII and told me he was a sharp-shooter for the army, went ahead of troops shooting snipers out of the trees in the Pacific. He was unloaded onto a beach with a couple of hundred other men and was one of 8 who survived once the Japanese surrendered. What kind of species are we? And now we are sending a unit to land on Mars. I'm not sure what to make of any of this. My son picks at his skin. Primate. We are primates living on this spinning blue orb. We went to Portland & visited OMSI on Saturday and the kids loved it. I was taken even then by the organic quality of it all. The existential aspect of our humanness. In Portland, there are tons of us humans, maneuvering all around in our little metal cars. It just seems really bizarre to me these days. I think maybe I should have been a dog.

When we left OMSI, off we went to IKEA, another warehouse marketing machine. I'd never been to IKEA and my husband thought it was the greatest thing. Me, I like a small shop owned by a local family or something. But we got a mattress for me and that was nice, because I've been sleeping on a foam pad on the floor for a couple of weeks now since my youngest son started sleeping on the couch instead of me. The IKEA in Portland is next to the airport, and we could look up and see jets directly overhead, see the glowing windows of the passenger area, as it was dusk. There was a huge gray cloud coming in from the south and by the time we left IKEA it was beginning to rain. My husband wanted to drive out onto Marine Drive and watch the airplanes land and take off. It's directly next to the Columbia river, so I get a bit nervous riding along at a good clip so close to that huge river so close it would swallow you if you got knocked into it, or drove off the road. I mentioned, as lightening began to flash, that often flights are delayed until severe storms like this pass. Oh, my husband said. Oh yeah. We watched two jets land, and it was raining hard by the second one. No airplanes were budging from their docks. The rain became torrential and we left. I rode quiet while my husband drove slow, visibility was really bad all I could think of was the fact that we were skirting the huge Columbia River and maybe there would be a flash flood. The rain continued and as we drove back south there were huge waterfalls splashing down onto the roadside all the way to I-5, gathering into a small river instead of a roadside. I was glad to get home.

Meanwhile I'm reading that gas is going to go up again. I can't help but wonder about how we will pay for everything then. Humanity really baffles me. Our societal interdependence may have launched us into an unprecedented period of wealth, as I can't imagine having to live in a culture of violence where we must compete for resources so directly, but like other aspects of behavior on this earth, it is probably fleeting. Yes it's a downer, but gosh. It's what is coming into my ears and eyes and head.

You know what I'm doing about my time then? Nope, not drinking a brandy. Not anymore. I'm knitting my friend Cherry Blossom her *third* yes third sock. The first I had to rip out. The second is *huge* around the ankle and ridiculous. I studied the pattern and others with similar heels and decided the pattern is faulty, heel too deep. I'm about ready to start the heel again on this 3rd sock and I'm hoping it will be better. But when I finished the 2nd sock, all I could do was laugh and laugh. It looked so ridiculous even though I had put in hours on the thing.

Life would be easier I think if I could just think about fashion or believe that somehow my words matter, but in the larger view of things, my words don't matter. So I guess I will focus on this littler view and take in what's good about it. Like my kids and my Saint Bernards.

Dogwood in full bloom

2008-05-13T12:06:00.001-07:00

I do so love the beauty of spring. Our dogwood tree has even attracted a Western Tanager we saw yesterday. It was absolutely breathtaking.
You can see that the GuageZilla Deep Sea Monster fits Dave *almost*. I have to wash it yet and if I beg it to dry gently in the dryer as indicated on the label, maybe I'll get lucky and it will shrink just right.

Meanwhile I'm trying to get some fun color without fancy stitchery, just a simple little sock for a friend of mine, Cherry Blossom, who is Japanese. I'm really liking the colors and should finish it by tonight or tomorrow. The pattern is called "Sparrow" from the new Jane Ellison book called "Joy". The color looks like a beautiful bird.

Edit: FYI: the gauge issue is so far out in Village Ridiculous that I can't yet post an update on this sock. So funny I laughed till I cried. Update to come. LBZ

It'll have to be for Dave.

2008-05-09T10:24:00.001-07:00

It was a triumphant moment, peppered with requests as usual that I tear away and a) let in the dog and b) check out the boys' TTD (Total Techno Domination) surgery log from their latest victim, a stuffed tiger (they don't actually tear the thing apart, so there's that) and c) deal with the cat who suddenly began wiping itself all over my leg. But the victory? The victory is this:

Sometimes when that which freaks a gal out, sure it's something really hard to do, it's a bit menacing to head into the heart of that something and... do it. I'm referring to the toe of this sock. This huge sock that there is no way I would even wear it for bed. Looks a bit.. bunchy, doesn't it. That's because it's made for a foot several sizes larger than mine. I thought I measured my foot according to the pattern, but apparently I didn't. I am hoping nobody even dare say the word, that "g" word (okay - gauge) to me regarding this. At least it isn't pink and I don't/won't have to frog it so it can be used. Blue is a good guy color. Meanwhile I will loyally knit the second sock and be done with it. I will then officially have knit my first pair of socks and that will make me, in the world of knitters, a true sock knitter. I do like the portability of these. Certainly they are quicker to knit than a shawl or a massive thing like the Juliet I finished (and refuse to wear because it itches) over the winter. Besides, they do have a menacing quality that hadn't occurred to me before I took my son Digs to get his eyeglasses. All those little sticks with pointy ends freak people out. People are less apt to mess with you if you're knitting socks.

On a happy note, the weather is beautiful. I have no headache. I have plenty to do (of course) and nobody has been angry or intense or anything today. Peaceful days are to be treasured.

Sweet, sweet spring.

2008-05-07T13:12:00.001-07:00

I had a bit of time to myself over the weekend. It wasn't much really, mostly I spent it cleaning, regrouting my bathtub, and took an unexpected trip out to see my brother and family. The weekend seems like yesterday! And speaking of yesterday, it was so lovely. The sun was shining so gently on the apple blossoms in our back yard. An extra privilege was seeing the little finches that were flitting about. They never stay long, as we have too many cats (want a cat?) or maybe they just are migrating further north. It was enjoyable anyway.

I drove up to Portland besides and had a great sense of peace. All was good. Nothing could push me off my path. I even saw a blue heron on the side of I-5, a sight I always regard as a breathtaking moment, but I do get to see at least a few sightings of them each year. I had a good day surrounding my job for the most part, no sense of the Farley Show hair-pulling self-flagellation. I celebrated by winding my way over to Twisted, a yarn shop in NE Portland. Very nice, not snobby, knowledgeable and open late enough for me to get there. I am hoping the book I bought on edgings will help me solve the problem of little Hannah's baby pants. I indulged on a few skeins of yarn, too. I wanted happy yarn, so I bought some colorful Noro Taiyo to make a Jane Ellison "waistcoat" pattern I have and some more sock yarn.

Today is a different day, and a person can't expect a blissful sense of invincibility to last forever. It is overcast today, I had a migraine (oh am I thankful for the miracle drug, Maxalt) and somebody nearby is rototilling or something because I've been hearing that machine go and go for a very long time today, so sitting outside to enjoy the moderate temperatures is out. I think I am unusually sensitive to sounds. On a happy note, I'm almost done with my Sock de la Mer. The bad news about that one is that it is too big. I'll wear it as a pair of bedsocks or something, because I'm just about going insane not to have a finished knit project. I'm hoping to finish little Hannah's pants this weekend. Once I find the right edging, it shouldn't take long.

A lake by the Expo Center

2008-05-03T00:55:00.001-07:00

A sign said, "VanPort". It was by the Portland Expo Center. I took this photo when I was leaving the Pet Fair almost two weeks ago. From where I took this photo of the beautiful lake surrounded with hundreds of bursting cat tails, there was the inescapable din of race cars at the Portland International Raceway. Cranky ol' me, I never have understood car racing, or horse racing either for that matter.

Sock de la Wreck de la...

2008-04-30T22:42:00.001-07:00

I'm knitting myself a pair of socks. Yep, a pair fer me. How's that for selfish, eh? I am selfish, I really am. Not because of the socks, but for a variety of reasons. It's hard to be human. I'm not as selfish as Bush, at least I like to think that.

It's been a busy few days. I bought some new glasses for my son Digs, some sandals for my oldest son and guiltily bought some very nice sandals (Birks) for myself. When things get bad, I either work hard on my house, my yard or my job. Sometimes though, I end up putting a band-aid on myself with a shoe purchase.

Reality: the bitterness isn't fading one bit. I really rears up on Wednesdays when I spend some time at a church where the boys have their language instruction. Oh well, we face self-congratulating superficially innocent human behavior every single day, whether it is under the guise of religion or what have you. It really is rotten, isn't it, that we are not perfect. Just some people don't even try to have insight into their imperfections. No humility, you know. It's the wielding of the religious message with the lack of humility that just slays me.

So did ja catch the most recent Colbert Report episodes? I sure love that show. I watched a few Daily Shows and honestly from the few I've seen, Jon Stewart seems a bit fixated on male sex organs while making poignant observations about politics. Oh well. Florida will never look like a male organ to me. I like my mental picture of it being more like the Everglades, even if it's delusional. I'm entitled to my pleasures, especially when I'm 3000 miles away from that delusion. Sure I am.

Well on to knitting. I've been working on Sock de la Mer by Anne Hanson of Knitspot. I've done a proper ream job on the pattern, and I'm going forward anyway because I'm sick of going backwards. The sock is for me anyway, and I want so badly to finish a pair of socks. Finish SOMETHING. I spent two hours ripping and knitting and ripping lace edging on Hannah's pants. Maybe tomorrow in Portland I'll have the chance to stop by a shop that has some good washable merino I can add on as a lighter weight yarn, as the dk weight I'm using just is way too chunky. Oh the troubles. I think probably I'd just best knit a lace edging and sew it on. I don't want to do that though... By the time I'm done with the pants, poor Hannah will be in first grade at this rate.

Oh I must get the strange carrot mash of desperation off my face!

Pancake lives up to her name

2008-04-26T14:17:00.001-07:00

Poor gal. Her feathers are growing out everywhere except the top of her head, where she is getting pecked. It's Belle's fault. She's the bully I do think, and it's happening in the morning when they get all riled up to go outside, trapped in their cage. Perhaps it's time to rig up a new parking spot for Belle at night.

The weather is stunning today. I took a few photos of our little patch of land that we're responsible for right now anyway, and thought I'd share. Here's the patch under the pine tree in the front. It's been years I've tried to get something to grow there, and finally the St. John's Wort has filled in, along with that other stuff with the variegated leaf pattern. Rocks work well too. There used to be bark-o-mulch there and up came some kind of bulb that I am terribly allergic to.

We're putting up a little open slat fence across our front yard. Here's what Dave has done on it so far:

The posts are not aligned with one another (grr) but once the slats are up it hopefully will not be that noticeable.

I could not resist yet another pic of my favorite tulips:

Breathing.

2008-04-23T12:50:00.000-07:00

My mother always said, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Fact is, I was kind of a cranky little girl, but looking back, I think I was somewhat justified. So speaking of my mother, I've had a horrible insight regarding her problem and myself. She is a hoarder, as I've said before. I have tried to help her get her house cleaned but it has ended always in tension and arguments right away. Now, however, as I'm struggling with my own clutter problem, I've read that the tendency runs in families and can emerge about now in a person's life. My sister struggles with it. My brothers struggle now with it, I've seen. So I'm trying to take on that reality that I must come to terms with my own tendencies of hoarding. For example, I have 5 chickens, 4 cats and 2 Saint Bernards. In a 1200 square foot house. I haven't adopted anything more in a long time and the 4th cat was brought in by my husband. I hoard books. Papers sometimes. But I am willing to part with clothes I don't wear anymore. There is this part of me though that is very concerned with the environment and I think to myself that I could maybe cut all those old clothes up or sew together the good parts of socks with holes and make a blanket out of it. I have WAY too many spiral bound notebooks. They're everywhere. The issue for me now is decision making and distraction. When I have quiet time alone, I can do wonders. It's when the house is noisy all day and I have several work-related responsibilities or interpersonal stuff happens to me, I can't even see the stuff in my house. It is simply peripheral to my focus which is to cope with the interpersonal chaos before me. But when quiet comes, I can see the mess. It becomes shocking then. For example, under my computer screen, right now, is a pile of papers I must sort and deal with. The trouble is I don't know how. Much of it has to do with my dad, and it intimidates me because he is now cared for financially by the State. But as much as I'd like to say it's his stuff, it's not all his. There is the rebate form from my cell phone provider. And the Saint Bernard Rescue newsletter. And a joke book Cy left here with me one day a long time ago. See:

Of course you can imagine there are multiple views of piles like that around my house. And a stack or two or three. And what it does essentially is to yank out from my psyche and scream out is shame. I feel an extraordinary amount of shame for being unable to cope with day to day life right now in a way that meets a social standard for orderliness. And yet, you can see from this photo, that although I try to maintain a certain degree of orderliness, it does get out of hand:

I don't know what to do with all those CDs. And like all hoarders, I have a hard time letting go of them. Most of them are mine, although several are Dave's. And in the pic also is the view of my grand intentions to paint my room in an unconventional way. I still have that corner and the ceiling edge to do in the red I have waiting, but moving things out is a bit daunting to say the least, not to mention time consuming. She says as she parks on her tushie making a blog post instead.

Okay on a happier note, Sunday I went to Portland to volunteer at a booth to represent the Saint Bernard Rescue Foundation at the Pet Fair there. There were too many people at the booth so I wasn't really needed, and only two dogs but I'm glad I went so it alleviated my guilt. And I learned about a supplement that is showing help for dogs with arthritis (like my Boris) who are already taking glucosamine. It's called MSM. There was another one there that even people take, but it is a bit financially prohibiting. Of course people brought their pets. I only was able to get a few pics, but here are a few:
Here's Ralph with Annie sniffing him. He stopped by the booth to say hello:

This is a new breed called a Leonburger. It's some kind of official mix of Great Pyranese, Burmese Mountain Dog and something else. It's a luxury breed, very expensive and bred for what I don't know:

Here's one of my favorite visitors, a little chihuahua named "Lentil". Oh that dog was so sweet! No angry misbehaved thing like some I've met. The first chihuahua I ever really got to know was gentle and sweet like Lentil is.

Lasty, our booth was basically like this all day:

I will try to post my progress as I struggle with the clutter, stated in a positive way, hopefully.

Oh happy day in the garden.

2008-04-17T12:08:00.001-07:00

I do love my tulips. Especially the ones that aren't pink. I opened the drapes in my room today and saw these, threw on my crummiest jeans and ran out to take my photos. This kind of view of life on earth can really give me reason to live if I am in my darkest days (which I am not).

Finally, here are baby Hannah's pants before I took out the eyelet trim on the legs
It just took forever to fix those derned legs. The eyelet trim was not a big deal actually, but the pattern didn't make sense for the 0-3 size for decreasing the stitches down the leg, not without the things being long enough for a 2 year-old. I retreated to knitting some more on Obstacles, but not by much, as yesterday was chaotic and a Japanese class day (which for some reason is always chaotic).

I'm on a "How Clean Is Your House" jag in a bad way. Okay good way sort of. It got me off my can late last night and I cleaned my toilet and kitchen sink real good. Oh do I have a long way to go, but I know my house isn't as bad as the candidates in view on that show. Now I really, really want to redo the floor in my bathroom because the vinyl has shrunk and was cheap and put in badly by somebody who lived here before we moved in and... it looks like hell, frankly. Especially the glue on the wall where the plastic baseboard was adhered to it. Oh I must add a pic. First is the view before I spend about 2 hours with extremely toxic adhesive remover:

Now the lovely view after the adhesive is removed:

In order for me to get a new floor in, I must remove the last of that gunk, and the windows must be wide open. In other words, summer. Last summer I was dealing with a whole lot of other things, much of which had smells of a more organic type, so doing the bathroom was out. I know I can remove the rest of this gunk now, but I don't know how to deal with the toilet removal and replacing. I think this is the project we may do with some of the money that GW wants us to have. The rest will go into savings.

Funky little update

2008-04-16T12:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I was thinking about what a lousy knitter I am. And to be honest, there was a serious mess up in my job too, which made me question my ability to do things thoughtfully, deliberately and accurately. I was only partially at fault with the job thing. Fortunately, I guess, the fundamental foul up was caused by someone else and my foul-up was that I didn't catch it but should have and it probably all is okay. By last night, my house was a major mess, time was running short, I had to go back and fix several things with my knitting. It took me two hours to do two rows, which says a lot about the number of interruptions I typically get. I ripped out the eyelet lace on Hannah's pants because it looks too clunky, and then my cat Seffie got hold of the ball of yarn. That would be sweet, innocent Seffie, "She Who Ripped Up the First Leg" that I had to redo. Then I took Boris and Mika for a walk last night, as in past midnight, and Boris somehow lost his $60 "deep fry" muzzle. I had to backtrack in the dark, in the middle of the night. But I did find it. At the farthest point from my house. Walking back though gave me time to reflect on several things:

First of all, most people don't have their job, kids and animals all in the same house all the time. Then there is the husband factor, a chaotic factor indeed. Even my chickens are more at peace when he's been gone for 24 hours.

Then there is the small fact that we use wood heat almost exclusively. This means managing the fire and bringing in the wood a lot. It also means several interruptions and an effort that must be sustained to ward off a chill that is inevitably here from October through June.

Third, I have too many animals. If I knew of anyone who could take in Roscoe, I would give him to them, but I don't. He needs extra care.

Fourth. Organized religion and philosophy drives me crazy. I unsubscribed pronto to Zencast. To be frank, wisdom wielders nauseate me.

Fifth. I think I am justified in deciding to step away from my mother as I have. She did a good job about some things but really stunk at others, as in most, and now she shall have her space, as I deserve mine.

On a completely different note, I've been watching "How Clean is Your House" again. It is aired on BBC America. Oh I do love that show! My mother is one that lives in the way of these people who are complete slobs, and the part that hits me hardest is when they confront the parents or mother and tell them they're being irresponsible and how can they do that to their child. My mother used to get angry at me if I'd try to clean, so it's a bitter but hilarious and motivating show. Here's an episode I found on YouTube:

If you can't link to Parts 2 and 3 and you're interested, here's the link to Part 2:

Spring time means idea time.

2008-04-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

Well. Kind of.

I've had this idea rattling around in my head that I would knit a scarf or throw in the way of Kente style, the traditional woven fabric from Ghana. Here is some Kente cloth:

It could be kind of interesting, what with knitting's additional ability to vary texture, to see that kind of color work interpreted in knitting. I guess I have some other things to finish up first.

Speaking of that, I knit a bunch on baby Hannah's pants, as I posted yesterday. I went way into the 2nd leg and (crap) discovered I had started my rounds in an incorrect place so the decreases showed a real strange catty-wompus inseam relative to the right leg. I decided that was a good time to go to bed. I ripped it out today and am ready to tackle it again. I need to have another FO (finished object) for my self esteem.

On a difficult note, Roscoe, my HBC cat (hit by a car), is having some kind of plumbing problem. He's having trouble peeing and he's even squatting in the chicken food and staring at me to get my attention.

Sorry Roscoe. Guess I'd best get him to the vet.

I really am knitting on Hannah's pants sometimes.

2008-04-13T18:01:00.001-07:00

My SIL says though that Hannah is still in newborn sizes, not yet to the 0-3 month and these would be way too big for her at this point. Hence my setting them aside and working on Obstacles. But if I set them aside too long, I am afraid I may forget what I was doing with them. What I need is a week alone, really, to finish up all I must do, not just 24 hours. See the trouble with 24 hours is that I had to sleep during some of it, and clean and do my job-job too so this stuff had to be set aside. And there was the small matter of my cat who is having trouble pooping today and letting me know all about it and then Boris, who took to following me around whining again.

I went outside as my BIL got on Dave's motorcycle to drive it south and holy moly was there pine pollen on my windshield. It wasn't there yesterday...

Everybody is home now, and my responsibilities and interruptions mount. Later.

Hot and stuff.

2008-04-12T16:10:00.000-07:00

It's been downright hot today. I drove the boys down to see their grandpa with Dave for the night, and finally I have 24 hours alone. This will be the 1st time I've had 24 hours alone in well over a year. Now I have so much to do with my time, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all I need to do.

I started out knitting. I'm working on Obstacles again, and today I'm wondering why since I'm using a wonderful Briar Rose Legend yarn because it is, after all, a warm shawl. Here's a view so far:

It's not like I don't have warmer weather things in my queue though. I have so much stuff in my queue it's ridiculous. The thing that's annoying me right now is the amount of unfinished work I have everywhere I look. Unlike my mother, I have a limit to what I can tolerate in the mess and unfinished stuff department.

This alone thing is freaking Boris out. He's following me everywhere and whining just a bit too much for my taste. I want to relax but something about a stressed-out Saint Bernard following a person around makes relaxing just a bit out of reach.

Okay so far I've:
1. painted a second coat on a wall that needed it in the bathroom.
2. Framed a print I have had waiting for that for a couple of months. Doesn't look so good but at least it's done.
3. Knit.

Still have to:
1. Work on learning some software some more.
2. Dust the mini blinds.
3. Clean the toilet.

I know how to live it up when I'm alone, don't I?

Here are some garden photos to add some cheer:

Apple blossoms:

Purple dock leaf:

Pink tulip brigade:

There you go. There are more photos on my Flickr account.

Poor Pancake.

2008-04-10T20:59:00.000-07:00

Here she is, all pecked up and needing a little time away from her friends. Poor thing. That's all bloody junk on the top of her head where normally she has a dirty but full crest. Sure, she molted those feathers first before her little head was pecked bloody, but still... It should return to it's usual remarkable appearance in about 6 weeks when her feathers get a chance to grow out. Here's another view:

On a knitting note, I've decided to pick up the Obstacles shawl again. I'm using my addi laces on it, and dang those are pointy points. I'm having to unknit and figure out where I left off as I sleuth out where that extra stitch came from, and I think I may need to use my old leather thimble. Sheesh! Obstacles seems like a breeze after having to frog that Monkey sock yesterday. I redid the cuff last night but I'm still a bit huffy at myself for not knitting it at the correct gauge in the first place. Humph.

Yesterday I had a chance to be out in the garden a little. My tulips are really coming along. Now these tulips aren't my favorite color - I thought they were going to be a deep purple when I planted them. Obviously they're deep pink. So. I let them stay because a) my neighbor likes them and b) I don't have the heart to kill them and c) my neighbor doesn't want them because her soil is too crummy for anything to grow. So the yearly pink tulip scene is inevitable:

The orangey-yellow ones are coming along though, and I really do like them a lot:

Last but not at all least is one representative from my spray of daffodils. They were here when we moved in over 8 years ago, and they seem to be happy here. Check out this little nodding friend:

Hi Judy.

2008-04-10T00:58:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted to a blog in a while. I guess I've been shy of commitments.

Getting down to brass tacks here:

Big time fun with my friend Cherry Blossoms today. We laughed so hard at Japanese comedy that we both happened to have viewed. SO FUNNY. Tears. Tears from laughter. Like this one for example - such sadistic humor:

Cherry Blossoms helped me get through the angst of having to rip out half my personal therapy sock, one I am making from a lovely Dream In Color "Smooshy" yarn in a colorway called "Butter Peeps". Oh and it really is that color. Bought it three days before Easter, as if that matters. She held the ribbing as I ripped. Oh boo hoo. I had to buy some longer #2 dpns from Kathy at Have You Any Wool. Oh she's helpful and a half. I was using #2's already but they were Addi woods and a different mm. How's that for too much information? Anyway, Cherry Blossoms loves my new book called Food Knit:
I think she would have loved it more if she could have seen it via pages in her hands instead of photos I took and stuck onto my iPod. My friend Naomi borrowed the book - she says knitted food is so Japanese! On that fish platter, even the sauce is a knitted fine lace, although in the picture it looks like, well... sauce.

Pancake, my all-white Polish hen, has moulted a TON over the past few weeks and lost a bunch of feathers from her head among other places. Unfortunately for her, her flock-mates have perhaps mistaken the specks on her head as edible and she now has a crown consisting of a regular pattern of scabs. Poor girl. Shhh. I have her behind bars here in my room for the night to help her have a better day. It's the mornings before I let them outside that I think she is sustaining the damage, although I cannot be sure.

I have some pictures to share. I'll get them up here in the next day or two. No major creative endeavor to oblige myself to or to promote with this blog, and that is refreshing. This blog is for YOU. For ME. Just a little view.